See how "normies" / "nons" people who are perfect are actually abusive towards people who suffer from a personality disorder.
I find that numerous people who are in a relationship with someone who is suffering from depression, BPD,etc. do many of these things. Society does many of these things to people who are sensitive, emotional, etc. I've seen people play the victim,use tunnel vision and gaslight the most.Boo hoo for society that someone's emotions and personal feelings make them feel uncomfortable. Most of these are tactics narcissists use, which makes since since narcissists pray on people who they can take advantage of and that includes: highly sensitive people/empaths, people who may suffer from BPD, people who are co-dependent,etc. I am putting these abusive tactics together for people for the person who may have BPD, or depression,etc whom this is being done to. Relationships and friendships are not perfect, but abuse is never okay. A huge example of these horrible tactics is when people think people who have BPD, or are not happy are abusive and psychopathic when then is not true. Psychopaths are psychopathic, people who suffer from BPD can feel empathy. It is usually the narcissist who says these things about their ex, or narcissistic people who were "found out." These people play the victim and everyone believes them because they are so good at what they do. if you have a deep fear of abandonment and unstable emotions, imagine being around someone who is making them 100% worse and then YOU get blamed for being "crazy." That is not okay.
I find that numerous people who are in a relationship with someone who is suffering from depression, BPD,etc. do many of these things. Society does many of these things to people who are sensitive, emotional, etc. I've seen people play the victim,use tunnel vision and gaslight the most.Boo hoo for society that someone's emotions and personal feelings make them feel uncomfortable. Most of these are tactics narcissists use, which makes since since narcissists pray on people who they can take advantage of and that includes: highly sensitive people/empaths, people who may suffer from BPD, people who are co-dependent,etc. I am putting these abusive tactics together for people for the person who may have BPD, or depression,etc whom this is being done to. Relationships and friendships are not perfect, but abuse is never okay. A huge example of these horrible tactics is when people think people who have BPD, or are not happy are abusive and psychopathic when then is not true. Psychopaths are psychopathic, people who suffer from BPD can feel empathy. It is usually the narcissist who says these things about their ex, or narcissistic people who were "found out." These people play the victim and everyone believes them because they are so good at what they do. if you have a deep fear of abandonment and unstable emotions, imagine being around someone who is making them 100% worse and then YOU get blamed for being "crazy." That is not okay.
Although people who may "have" BPD and HPD do these things, remember, this page is about narcissist abuse towards others, especially those who have BPD or HPD and even Dependent personality disorder. Even though people who "have" BPD and HPD may do some of these things, they do them for different reasons than someone who has Narcissist personality disorder. People who display symptoms of BPD do these tactics to avoid abandonment, while Narcissist do it to control and manipulate. Two different reasons. Although textbooks may state people who have BPD use these tactics to control their partners, I believe people who suffer from BPD more than I do a text book. Narcissists do these tactics to regain control and power because THEY deserve it while people suffering from BPD really are scared to be abandoned and alone. If anything they feel too much, while narcissists don't feel at all. Anyone who says otherwise has never actually talked to someone who has BPD and NPD.(who is honest about why they do things). I have sympathy for people with BPD, but none for people with NPD. People who have NPD are the ones with no empathy and no sympathy, not people with BPD. NPD can disguise itself as BPD very easily except deep down inside the person is smiling because they know they are getting away with it.There is a lot of info. about BPD and Dependent personality disorder on this site.
Example: Self harm
A narcissist will do it to get power over the victim because they enjoy it. they like knowing they can control the person's behavior by making the person feel sorry for them. They play the victim and by doing so get symapthy and attention and control THEY "deserve."
A BPD suffer may self harm to try to make the person feel sorry for them so that person will not leave. They need to have control like the narcissist except it is because they are afraid of the person leaving them,or not loving them anymore. They may do it to get sympathy because they NEED sympathy because they need to feel loved and safe from abandonment and they just really want someone to understand what they are going through inside their head.
Also remember there are other "personality disorders" as well but NPD is the scariest one because they feel nothing for people. Everyone is a toy to them and they love hurting people. they are sadist and not in the good BDSM kind of way.
I have been around people with BPD and BPD and trust me there IS a difference. Once you know WHY they do what they do, you will feel empathy for someone with BPD but hate and fear someone with NPD. I will touch more on this on this site in the future.
Example: Self harm
A narcissist will do it to get power over the victim because they enjoy it. they like knowing they can control the person's behavior by making the person feel sorry for them. They play the victim and by doing so get symapthy and attention and control THEY "deserve."
A BPD suffer may self harm to try to make the person feel sorry for them so that person will not leave. They need to have control like the narcissist except it is because they are afraid of the person leaving them,or not loving them anymore. They may do it to get sympathy because they NEED sympathy because they need to feel loved and safe from abandonment and they just really want someone to understand what they are going through inside their head.
Also remember there are other "personality disorders" as well but NPD is the scariest one because they feel nothing for people. Everyone is a toy to them and they love hurting people. they are sadist and not in the good BDSM kind of way.
I have been around people with BPD and BPD and trust me there IS a difference. Once you know WHY they do what they do, you will feel empathy for someone with BPD but hate and fear someone with NPD. I will touch more on this on this site in the future.
Negative evaluation of self :Viewing yourself and your abilities negatively." - Excel At Life
Labeling self: "Using negative labels to describe yourself." - - Excel At Life
Including: self-righteous, pretentious,putting others down subconsciously
Snappy
- I snap at certain things (plastic surgery,etc) I can talk about how I feel about those things in a better way.
- I get intense about what I am passionate about. It's cute in little squirts, but I get obessive and that can be annoying to other people.
- How to Relax by Will Meek Ph.D.@ Psychology Today - "So when you are feeling activated, stop what you are doing, and follow these 5-steps:"1. Orienting 2. Grounding 3. Slowing 4. Coaching 5. Emerging
- 10 Relaxation Techniques That Zap Stress Fast @ WebMD - 1. Meditate 2. Breathe Deeply 3. Be Present 4. Reach Out 5. Tune In to Your Body
- 22 Ways To Chill Out @ Prevention
- How to Chill Out: 3 Effective Habits by HENRIK EDBERG @ Positivity Blog - "What would someone else do? This is a good way to find a new, more useful and sometimes more playful perspective. You simply ask yourself what someone else would do in your situation.Maybe you ask yourself: What would Winnie the Pooh do? What would Jason Bourne do?
What would mom or dad do? What would [insert name of your calm and wise friend] do?" - 9 Ways to Relax @ Cosmo
- How to Relax @ Wikihow - Recognize stress.Set aside time to relax.Practice breathing techniques.Make healthy dietary choices.Exercise every day.Try a massage.Practice positive thinking.Think logically, and restrain your emotions.Find a quiet place when you are feeling overwhelmed and pamper yourself.Stop feeling guilty.Learn to prioritize.Practice meditation.Consider self-hypnosis.Do activities or hobbies that relax you.Spend time with your pet.Smile and laugh....
- 40 Ways to Relax in 5 Minutes or Less @ Greatist
- 5 Ways To a Chilled Out State of Mind by Sophie Keller @ Huffington Post - Tip 1: Change Your Language.Tip 2: Let Go Of Tension.Tip 3: Be Present, Now.Tip 4: Let It Go.Tip 5: Happiness VS Achievement
- 11 Ways to Chill Out in 5 Minutes or Less @ GoodNet - 1. PUMP SOME PEACEFUL TUNES. 2. BREAK OUT THE (DARK) CHOCOLATE.3. CHEW GUM.4. PET THE DOG.5. GET DOWN WITH NATURE.6. YOUR NOSE KNOWS. 7. BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT.8. LAUGH – OR AT LEAST SMILE.9. TAKE A TIME OUT. 10. TUCK INTO AN ORANGE.11. MAKE A SONG AND DANCE
- How to Chill @ Wikihow
- How to Be Chill @ Wikihow
- Stress relief advice to help you chill out and enjoy life by Brian Curin @ Expert Beacon- "completely disconnect (even just for a little while). Breathe with the waves. Eat healthy.Dress casual. Listen to your body"
Passive Aggressive
- 12 Signs You’re Too Passive Aggressive @ Care2 Healthy Living - 1. Unwilling to speak your truth openly, kindly and honestly when asked for your opinion or when asked to do something for someone.4. Complaining that others treat you unfairly frequently...8. Frequently feeling inadequate but covering it up with superiority, disdain or hostile passivity...10. Dragging your feet to frustrate others.
- PTypes - Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder Criteria
- Am I Passive Aggressive? Here are the Telltale Signs! @ EnkiVillage - Always complaining.Procrastination.Pouting and sulking.Forgetful.Resentment.Unwilling to take blame.Being unreasonable and stubborn.
- Am I Passive Aggressive? Here are the Telltale Signs! @ EnkiVillage - “Do You Often Say These Sentences? 1 I am not angry.Fine, whatever....I did not know you meant now.I am coming...You want everything to be perfect...I thought you knew...Sure I would love to...It was a joke...Why are you getting upset?”
- 8 Signs You’re Being Passive-Aggressive @ DailyWorth.com - 1. Asking Threat-Based Questions.2. Making Wistful Statements. 3. Doling Out Backhanded Compliments 4. Ignoring or Saying Nothing.5. Procrastinating. 6. Leaving Someone Out.7. Sabotaging Someone.8. Keeping Score
- @Wikipedia - “For research purposes, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) revision IV describes passive-aggressive personality disorder as a "pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations."
- What is Passive Aggressive Behaviour? @ Counselling Directory - Non-Communication.Avoiding/Ignoring.Evading.Procrastinating.Obstructing.Fear of Competition.Ambiguity.Sulking.Chronic Lateness.Chronic Forgetting.Fear of Intimacy.Making Excuses.Victimisation.Self-Pity.Blaming.Withholding.Learned Helplessness“
- @ Out of the FOG - “Withdrawal - of material support, contribution to shared goals, Re-prioritizing alternate activities and goals, “go-slow’s”, procrastination or targeted incompetence.Silent Treatment - inappropriate “one-word” answers, inattention, making yourself generally “unavailable”.Off-line Criticism - propagating gossip or criticism to a third party in an attempt to negatively influence the third party’s opinion of a person.Sarcasm, Critical and “Off-Color” Jokes - Humor which targets a specific individual is a form of Passive-Aggressive communication.Indirect Violence - shows-of-strength such as destruction of property, slamming doors, cruelty to animals in the sight of another is passive-aggressive.”
- Emotional Competency @ Passive-Aggressive Behavior
- Passive Aggressive Personality @ Health Line - “frequently criticizing or protesting
- being disagreeable or irritable.procrastinating or being forgetful.performing tasks inefficiently.acting hostile or cynical.acting stubborn.blaming others.complaining about being unappreciated.displaying resentment over the demands of others.”
- Passive-aggressive behavior: What are the red flags? @ Mayo Clinic - “Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include:Resentment and opposition to the demands of others.Procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others' demands.Cynical, sullen or hostile attitude.Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated”
- 9 Things Only Passive-Aggressive People Do @ Inc.com -1. They Deliberately "Forget" to Do Things.2. They Say Yes When They Have No Intention of Following Through.3. They Engage in Backstabbing Behavior.4. They Are Inefficient on Purpose.5. They Mask Their Resentment With a Smile.6. They Seek Revenge.7. They Exhibit Learned Helplessness.8. They Go to Great Lengths to Avoid Confrontation. 9. They Manipulate People
- Do You Have A Passive Aggressive Personality @ Lifescript.com
- How to Spot and Deal With Passive-Aggressive People @ Psychology Today = 1. Don’t Overreact. Reduce Personalization and Misunderstanding.2. Keep Your Distance Whenever Possible.3. Don’t Try to Change Them.4. Don’t Get Sucked In. Avoid Tit for Tat.5. In Relatively Mild Situations, Display Superior Composure Through Appropriate Humor.6. In Serious Situations, Proactively Deal with the Problem Early On and Formalize Your Communication.8. Set Consequences to Lower Resistance and Compel Cooperation.
- Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder @ NY Times Health Information - “Acting sullen
- Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness.Being inefficient on purpose.Blaming others.Complaining.Feeling resentment.Having a fear of authority.Having unexpressed anger or hostility.Procrastinating.Resisting other people's suggestions
- Don’t fool yourself: Seven signs that you’re being passive-aggressive @ The Washington Post - 1. Making Wistful Statements.2. Doling Out Backhanded Compliments.3. Ignoring or Saying Nothing.4. Procrastinating.5. Leaving Someone Out.6. Sabotaging Someone.7. Keeping Score
- 8 Examples of passive aggressive behaviour Coaching Positive Performance - 1. Resenting the demands of others.2. Deliberate procrastination.3. Intentional mistakes.4. Hostile attitude.5. Complaints of injustice and lack of appreciation.6. Disguising criticism with compliments.7. The last punch.8. The silent treatment
- 12 Telltale Signs You’re Too Passive Aggressive @ Fox News Magazine - #1. Unwilling to speak your truth openly, kindly and honestly when asked for your opinion or when asked to do something for someone....#2. Appearing sweet, compliant and agreeable, but are really resentful, angry, petty and envious underneath...#3. Afraid of being alone and equally afraid of being dependent....#4. Complaining that others treat you unfairly frequently...#5. Procrastinating frequently, especially on things you do for others..#6. Unwilling to give a straight answer...#7. Sulking, withdrawing and pouting...#8. Frequently feeling inadequate but covering it up with superiority, disdain or hostile passivity....#9. Often late and/or forgetful..#10. Dragging your feet to frustrate others...#11. Making up stories, excuses and lies....#12. Constantly protecting yourself so no one will know how afraid you are of being inadequate, imperfect, left, dependent or simply human.
- What Does Passive Aggressive Behavior Look Like? Uploaded by The Relationship Help Doctor uploaded by The Relationship Help Doctor
- The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces by Nicholas James Long, Jody E. Long, Signe Whitson @ Amazon -
- The Passive-Aggressive Personality @ Hypnocenter - “At home, they often are submissive, even passive, preferring that the other person take the offensive in decision-making and socializing, including any discipline or reprimand of children. They will make sure they always come off as the “good guy.” Instead of taking responsibility for the children, the extremist may even undermine the mate’s decisions and criticize their parenting style, often in front of the children. Also, they will complain regardless of whether the spouse or child has done what they requested.The extremist constantly criticizes their mate’s friends and other connections. Extremes “put down” the other parent in front of their children or friends. They may use humor (which isn’t really humor) to criticize their spouse or child in public. Today we would refer to such an extremist as a verbal and psychological abuser.”
- 5 Deadly terms used by a woman
- The Ten Most Passive Aggressive Phrases uploaded by Blimey Cow
- What is Passive Aggressive Behaviour?
Bragging, boasting
- people be like "ima date a CHRISTIAN man and then wonder why he will not have sex with me before marriage."(That oliva lady breaking up with Tim Tebow) or "i am going to date a man whose depression and mental despair is WELL KNOWN and then divorce him because he is withdrawn and "never there emotionally" (dita von teese divorcing Marilyn Manson). Stop, please, just stop trying to date a person based on looks alone and then try to mold them into what YOU want.
- Don't brag about knowing something. Don't act all happy because you know something someone else doesn't. It comes off as condescending and like you are superior to others even if you are not trying to sound that way.Don't assume someone doesn't know something.It makes you look like you think you are smarter than someone else even if you don't mean it to sound that way,unfortunately, it does come off that way.
- "a statement in which you express too much pride in yourself or in something you have, have done, or are connected to in some way" - Merriam-Webster
- "Boasting is to speak with excessive pride and self-satisfaction about one’s achievements, possessions, or abilities.Boasting occurs when someone feels a sense of satisfaction or when someone feels that whatever occurred proves their superiority and is recounting accomplishments so that others will feel admiration or envy.
- Individuals construct an image of themselves, a personal identity, and present themselves in a manner that is consistent with that image. Theodore Millon, Ph.D., D.Sc. theorized that in self-presentation, individuals seek to balance boasting against discrediting themselves with excessive self-promotion or being caught blatantly misrepresenting themselves." - Wikipedia
- Christian bible: Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches (Jeremiah 9:23 ESV). - Wikipedia
- Quran: Verily, Allâh does not like such as are proud and boastful; Those who are miserly and enjoin miserliness on other men and hide what Allâh has bestowed upon them of His Bounties (The Noble Qur'an 4:36-37). - Wikipedia
- Hindu Wisdom: Whereas, in our Occident, the most dry and sterile minds brag in front of Nature (La Bible de l'Humanite in Oeuvres).- Wikipedia
- @Bible Study Tools - "Boasting in oneself is an expression of pride. Those who sin express arrogance by implying that they can successfully violate the laws of Almighty God. Paul describes the arrogant and boastful as "God-haters" ( Rom 1:30 ). Humility is defined as the absence of arrogance and boasting and is characterized by submission to God's will. The absence of self-exaltation and the attitude of humility place one in a position of being blessed by God ( Isa 66:2 )."
- KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT: 9 THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER BRAG ABOUT @ MadameNoire - The Amount of Money that you Spent on Clothing Items.Your (High) Number of Sexual Partners.How Much Alcohol You Can Drink.The Fights You’ve Been In.How You Quit Your Last Job.How You Got Your Revenge.How You Stole From Others.The Lies You’ve Gotten Away With.How Good Your Significant Other Is
- Major Turn Offs in Relationships – Bragging (Turn Offs, Part 1) BY HEATHER @Pre Engaged - "Some people brag because they think so highly of themselves they cannot fathom anything more thrilling to discuss with others than their awesomeness" "Bragging is often a sign of deep insecurity." "Lastly, some people brag because they are uncomfortable in a situation."
- Five Reasons Not to Brag By Tamela Hancock Murray @Steve Laube - 1.) Look foolish. 2.) Hurt someone else’s feelings.3.) Create a rival.4.) Cause someone to lose respect for you.5.) Make an enemy.
- How being boastful really can backfire: People who brag about how great they are do not realise how annoying it actually is @ Daily Mail - "Study shows attempts to self-promote often have the opposite effect.People overestimate people's positive reactions to their own good news.But when they are on the receiving end of bragging, they find it annoying
Effete
- "Effete is a disapproving term meaning decadent and self-indulgent, even useless. The stereotype of the rugged Westerner is just as false as the one of the effete East Coast liberal." - Vocabulary
Snob
- @ Urban Dictionary - "Someone who claims to be of higher intelligence than others, understands the finer thing in life, and generally deems themself a higher being than most others; they often refer to the 'lesser beings' as peasant or philistines. In simple terms, snobs are wankers."
- @ Vocabulary - "Nowadays, snob isn't only for people with false pretentions. Rich people who despise less tasteful folks are snobs, too."
- 5 Ways to Handle a Snob ... and how to address to your own snobbery.@ Psychology Today - "Snobs find it important to distinguish themselves from other people. For their snobbery to work, though, they need their target to self-identify as inferior: You can’t be a snob in a vacuum. There always has to be another group of people who feel that it’s justified for someone else to define them as inferior. Snobs who feed their desire to feel superior by engaging in conspicuous consumption need to have an admiring audience, or they wouldn’t bother spending so much more than necessary on the stuff of everyday life. "
- "A snob is a human who believes there is a correlation between social status and human worth. The term also refers to a person who believes that some people are inherently inferior to him or her for any one of a variety of reasons, including real or supposed intellect, wealth, education, ancestry, power, physical strength, class, taste, beauty, nationality, fame, extreme success of a family member or friend, etc.[citation needed] Both definitions are used as a pejorative." - Wikipedia
- "noun 1.a person who imitates, cultivates, or slavishly admires social superiors and is condescending or overbearing to others.2.a person who believes himself or herself an expert or connoisseur in a given field and is condescending toward or disdainful of those who hold other opinions or have different tastes regarding this field:" - dictionary
Pretentious/grandiloquent
- HowTo:Understand and deal with pretentious people - Step 1: Assess what the person is trying to prove.Step 2: Assess if you are the victim of pretentious people.Step 3: Assess all the different ways people are pretentious to you.
*Note:Satire, but some funny / great points. - @Urban dictionary - "Trying to sound intelligent by using long, complicated words, even though you don't know what they mean.Pete: "hey, listen to this. it's post-hardcore emomathglitch rock. The lyrics really reveal the prerequisite existentialism of the singers inner hades!" Ed: "do you even know what that means" Pete: "um... well, no" Ed: "you're so pretentious""
- Def. #2 @ Urban Dictionary - "To be pretentious is to make a claim or put on an act to: A) Fit into a group. B) Appear "better" than you are or than others. Pretentious people often fit into 2 groups: i) Stupid pretentious people who no nothing of the subject they are acting pretentious about. ii) Clever pretentious people who know about the subject they are acting pretentious about but think this makes them better. a) Look I have the same boots as you now! That makes me a true Punk/Goth/Rocker/insert generic group name. b) You didn't like my poem? Well you probably didn't understand it. It was very deep. i) I am a goth I love HIM. ii) I have a degree in Philosophy...I therefore know a little more about theology than you could. Another Example: My definition of "pretentious" is much better than the others on this site because I have an A in English. Pretentious people often have no sense of humour and never laugh at themselves."
- How do you know if you're being pretentious? Started by Kevin Beal
- Exaggeration and Pretentiousness tendency in behavior @Charming Health :They found themselves uncomfortable in situations wherein he (or she) is not the center of attention.Desire to coerce, manipulate, and deceive others into giving help and to establish and maintain dependencyDisplays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions. Interaction with others is often characterized by provocative behavior.Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self.Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail (shallow).Shows self posturing, pretentiousness, and exaggerated expression of emotion; shallow personality.Easily influenced by others personalities, ideas or circumstances.Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are."
- "Use the adjective pretentious as a way to criticize people who try to act like they are more important or knowledgeable than they really are.You might not be surprised to learn that pretentious is related to the word pretend, and it is an adjective that fits the bill for describing someone who's only concerned with making an impressive appearance. If you don't want to be accused of being pretentious, just act naturally and don't put on airs!" - Vocabulary
- "Grandiloquent is a fancy term for, well, being fancy or pretentious. In fact, you might say grandiloquent is itself a pretty grandiloquent word." - Vocabulary
magniloquent
- "If you want to impress people, you might try using magniloquent language. That is, fancy and flowery language. For instance, you could use the word magniloquent, which come to think of it, is a magniloquent word itself." - Vocabulary
- "A magniloquent speech is a speech in a pompous language. Magniloquent style makes use of bombast. High sounding words and lengthy sentences mark a magniloquent piece of writing or speech." - Univsourc
arrogant
- 15 Ways to Avoid Seeming Like an Arrogant, Know-It-All Jerk #12experts @ Word Stream -1. Offer meaningful compliments: 2. Give credit to others. 3. Don't dispute every comment that someone makes.4. Ask questions and allow others to supply information.5. Admit error.6. Remember other people’s names and some details of their lives.7. Call on others for their specific contributions.8. Laugh at yourself. 9. Refuse to take offense.10. Teasing.11. Remember your limits.12. Don’t be a bore.13. Engage, yourself. 14. Be courteous to others, no matter who they are. 15. Don't be too humble.
- How to Be Less Arrogant @ Ehow - Includes... Show kindness and treat others with respect. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and think how you would like to be treated.Count your blessings and be grateful.Watch your tone and delivery when speaking.Reach out to those that are different from you.
- 7 Ways to Tell the Difference Between Being Arrogant and Being Confident - 1. Condescending remarks 2. Attitude 3. Self-perception.4. Relationships with the society 5. Communication 6. Eye contact 7. Various roots
- How to Be Assertive Without Being Arrogant @ Wikihow - Compare assertive and passive behavior. Recognize assertive behaviors.Remember that assertiveness is a practiced skill. Acknowledge that you have rights.
Recognize where you need to make changes. Ask for help. Practice in low-stakes situations. Check the context of situations. Be an active listener.Be humble and modest. Use “I” statements.Avoid using “should” or “ought.” Use an even, relaxed tone of voice. Invite others to share their thoughts and experiences. Avoid blaming others. Distinguish between fact and opinion.Be willing to explore options.Make statements clearly and sincerely.Use assertive body language.Compare arrogance to assertiveness.Recognize arrogant behaviors. Don’t belittle or demean the other person.Listen to the other person’s viewpoint.Avoid “you” statements. Don’t threaten the other person.Avoid using inappropriate language.Avoid aggressive body language. - Assertiveness Tips and Tricks - wikiHow-
- 10 Ways to Tell if You're Confident – or Arrogant @ The Ladders - 1. Drop names out of context.2. Avoid eye contact.
3. Arrive consistently late to meetings … and don't apologize.4. Use condescending phrases and put-downs.5. Strut or swagger when you walk into a room.6. Interrupt conversations … frequently.7. Have an answer for everything. 8. Always one-up the other person.9. Blast competitors.10. Blame someone else. - Full Practice 100 | #84. Being Arrogant - " If you cannot afford to look bad, ignorant or stupid, you'll tend to be arrogant in an attempt to look good or dominate the situation. And thus, not learn much. So, you're guaranteed to look bad. Quite the cycle......Stop trying so much to help people with what you've learned. Make your knowledge available to al those who wish it. Be a spring where they dip their cup into what you've got. It's a lot easier. And you'll have more time to enjoy your life and your learning......."
- "Arrogant is an adjective for describing people who are too proud and look down on others, like supermodels who think their good looks give them a right to do whatever they want." - Vocabulary
- @Urban Dictionary - "When a person is led to believe that they are in some way more superior to everybody else. Pride is fine up until a point, but as soon as you believe that you are in some special way better than everybody else, you become a dickhead.Pretty much everybody on UrbanDictionary.com (including me) is arrogant."
Cocky
- @ Your Dictionary - "The definition of cocky is someone who is overly self-confident."
- @ Websters Neew World - Your Dictionary - "jauntily conceited or overbearing; self-confident in an aggressive or swaggering way."
- How to Be Confident Without Being Cocky @ Life Hack - Know your strengths.More importantly, know your limitations.Get a crew.Log your successes and failures.Be mindful and stay grounded.Review and repeat
- 8 Little Known Ways to Show Confidence Without Being Cocky @ Under 30 CEO - 1. Learn the Art of the Humble Brag.2. Learn to speak about yourself in a tactful manner.3. Dress smart, not flashy.4. Don’t wear your Rolex to your salary negotiations.5. Speak with a purpose.6. Talk less, listen more.7. Don’t be afraid to point out your insecurities. 8. Surround yourself with other confident people
- The Fine Line Between Self-Confidence & Cockiness | World of Psychology - 1. Style vs. Bling Addiction.2. Active Listening vs. the Monologue.3. Ambition vs. Ruthlessness. 4. The Human vs. the Greek God.
- 8 Lessons On How To Be Confident (Without Being Cocky) @ Gurl -Recognize Your Talents......without constantly talking about them.Accept Compliments......by being gracious, not smug.Be Proud Of Yourself......without excessively bragging.Don't Apologize Too Much......but know that you do have to apologize sometimes.Speak Your Mind......but be open to other opinions.Expect Success......but don't demand it.Realize You Have Flaws......don't consider yourself to be perfect. Have Friends Who Support You......not friends who yes you to death.
Pompous
- "A pompous person is arrogant or conceited. He'll walk into a party with an inflated ego, ready to tell anyone who will listen that "I'm kind of a big deal." - Vocabulary
- @Urban Dictionary - "1. one whom of which is full of pomp. 2. a self absorbed person. 3. an elitist pig, usually found inflating her/his ego to the point of nausea. 4. a self proclaimed stately person, commonly found talking down to others whom of which are typically in a higher intelligence quotient bracket.Gads, did you hear Eric at our last gathering? He so pompous, I'm willing to bet that he's a legend in his own shower."
- Twelve Tips to Avoid Seeming Like an Arrogant, Know-It-All Jerk @ Huffington Post - 1. Offer meaningful compliments.2.Give credit to others.3. Ask questions and allow others to supply information.4.Admit error. 5. Remember other people’s names and the details of their lives.6.Call on others for their specific contributions.7. Laugh at yourself.8. Refuse to take offense.9. Teasing 10.Remember your limits. 11. Don’t be a bore. 12.Be courteous to others, no matter who they are
conceited
- Conceited | Define Conceited at Dictionary.com - "having an excessively favorable opinion of one's abilities, appearance, etc."
- "A conceited person has an inflated self-image and perceives himself as incredibly entertaining and wonderful. Talk incessantly about your accomplishments on the clarinet or amazing ability to wiggle your ears, and people are going to think you’re conceited." - Vocabulary.com
- @Urban Dictionary - "self centered, earth revolves around you, everything has to be your way, snobby, bitchy, annoying kim is so conceited... ...so is michelle"
- 4 Major Differences Between Being Self-Confident And Being Conceited @ Elite Daily - Gives four examples which include When accepting a compliment,When admitting you're wrong or can't do something.When carrying yourself. & When addressing your success
- How to Be Confident Without Being Cocky @ Life Hack - Know your strengths.More importantly, know your limitations...Log your successes and failures
- The Secret to Being Confident (Without Being Arrogant) By Steve Errey @ The Muse - "You Don’t Need to Fake It.You Don’t Have to Be the Best.You Don’t Need to Hide
- How to Be Proud, Not Cocky and Conceited @ Wikihow - "3.Chat like a normal person, don't constantly blow your own horn. Being confident and assured doesn't mean you can't talk to other people, or that you start treating your friends like underlings! And they don't want to hear all your stories about the "wonderfulness of you." Being humble does not mean acting ashamed, it means realizing that you're not better than anybody else - just as they are not better than you. Treat others as you want them to treat you. Try complimenting them for once. Don't think they are "lower"' and you are "better" once you get that ego-boost."
Mansplaining / womansplaining *anywhere there is a male pronoun,make it a gender neutral pronoun*
- "(of a man) to comment on or explain something to a woman in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner:He mansplained to her about female friendships.2.to comment on or explain something to someone in such a way:I know some women who are guilty of mansplaining." - Dictionary
- Five Tips for the Mansplainers in Your Life @ Jezebel - Do you actually know how much the woman you're talking to knows about the same subject? Are you using your supposed expertise to prove something about your manhood? When she talks, are you listening to what she's saying or merely rehearsing your next line? Are you talking about your own experience, or are you universalizing about how everyone feels? Are you explaining her experience to her? Do you actually know what you're talking about?
- "Mansplaining is a portmanteau of the words man and explaining, defined as "to explain something to someone, typically a man to woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing."Lily Rothman of The Atlantic defines it as "explaining without regard to the fact that the explainee knows more than the explainer, often done by a man to a woman," and author and essayist Rebecca Solnit ascribes the phenomenon to a combination of "overconfidence and cluelessness." - Wikipedia
Belittling
- @ Out of the FOG - "Examples of Belittling:"Oh my dear you are looking so much better today." "This is far too complicated for you to understand. ' "We're all watching your progress and hoping the best for you." "It's nice that you have found a friend.""How is your therapy progressing?""Aren't we pretty today?'"
- Belittling - definition of belittling by The Free Dictionary - "To represent or speak of as unimportant or contemptible"
- @Vocabulary - "To belittle someone is a cruel way of making someone else seem less important than yourself."
- 7 Ways you may be emasculating your man - 1.Belittle what he does for a living.2.Make his salary an issue.
3. Ask him for help, then do it your way.4.Yell and fight in public.5.Micromanage his every move.6.Asking another guy to do it better. 7.Acting like he has no feelings - 14 Things You Say or Do That Emasculates Your Man! @ Love Panky - #1 You take over.#2 You brag about your history.#3 Scoff at his salary.#4 Tell him he’s a wimp#5 Compare him to other men in bad light.#6 Talk about his flaws.#7 “I knew you wouldn’t be able to do it”.#8 Stare at the ceiling when he’s on top of you.#9 Tell him you’ve seen bigger.#10 Criticize or downplay his achievements.#11 Yelling at him. #12 You make him feel like a failure #13 Flirt with other men.#14 Telling him he’s not man enough. Note: unless both parties are okay with it, never flirt in a relationship with other people. It can be a form of cheating. Give your lover that time and sexy talk.
- Top 10: Things Women Do To Emasculate Men @ AskMen - 10. Making a Point.9. Jump in My Car.8. Faking It.7. Just Let Me Fix That. 6. Take a Seat.5. Prince of the Purse.4. No Touching. 3. We’re Under Attack.2. Outrun, Outdrive, Outscore.1. Be a Man
Patronizing
- Patronize | Definition of Patronize by Merriam-Webster - "to talk to (someone) in a way that shows that you believe you are more intelligent or better than other people"
- 5 Ways to Sound Helpful Not Patronizing by Kate Nasser @ her blog - I’m sure you feel/think …” sounds patronizing. Are we offering help because we have lost patience with them or how they work? That motive shows in our words and tone of voice and can sound patronizing. -Ask permission to help.Give help in a way that the other person will value.Use focused words instead of minimizing words.
- "If you are patronizing, you tend to speak down to others, acting as though you are smarter, classier, or just plain better than anyone else. For the record, your snobby attitude is not impressing anyone." - Vocabulary (dot) com
- "To speak to someone with apparent kindness, but with hidden sarcasm, or a hidden insult." - Urban Dictionary
- condescending attitude vs patronizing attitude @ word Reference
- What is the difference between “condescending” and “patronizing”? @ English Sack Exchange
Condescending
- "If you are being condescending, you are looking down on someone. A 10-year-old who says to his sibling, "What do you know? You're only a 6-year-old!" is being condescending." - Vocabulary (dot) com
- "Law School professor who talks to students like they are first graders." - Urban Dictionary
- What is the difference between “condescending” and “patronizing”? @ English Sack Exchange - lots of opinions, take a look.
- What is a condescending tone? @ Yahoo Answers
- condescending attitude vs patronizing attitude @ word Reference - "Condescending: A boss came into the office and said to everyone, "OK, listen up. I don't care which dumb nut has put the report on my desk, but I won't even read it. Make sure you get your spellings right before putting anything on my desk next time." (It might not be intended, but the boss (1) made the show of aggression in front of everyone, and (2) belittled the individual or group of staff who compiled the report) Patronising: A colleague came to the desk of a new clerk, saying, "Hey, I've heard that you're new here. I'm Sam, and I'm very experienced in this department; so if there's anything you don't understanding, you can ask me... you wouldn't want to step into the same landmine your predecessor did, right?""
- Condescending uploaded by illustrate - See examples of being condescending in action.
- How can I go about getting rid of a condescending tone of voice? @ Redditt - Compliment others, don't correct people on manners or idiosyncrasies, pay attention to tone of voice and phrasing, don't use "Well, actually..."
hubris
- @Wikipedia - “Hubris (/ˈhjuːbrɪs/, also hybris, from ancient Greek ὕβρις) describes a personality quality of extreme or foolish pride or dangerous over-confidence”
- Hubris - Examples and Definition of Hubris @ Literary Devices - “Aristotle thus believed that people indulge in crimes like sexual misconduct and maltreating others only to fulfill their basic desire to make themselves feel superior to others.”
- Urban Dictionary: hubris - a few definitions
- @Vocabulary - “ If you call yourself the best in something, you better have the goods to back it up, since too much hubris can lead to embarrassment and humiliation. “
- Hubris @ Online Etymology Dictionary - “Spelling hybris is more classically correct and began to appear in English in translations of Nietzsche c. 1911.”
- Hubris Examples and Definition @ Literary Devices - “The word hubris comes from the Greek word ὕβρις (hybris), which meant “wanton violence, insolence, outrage” or “presumption toward the gods.”
- What is Hubris? @ Quatr.us - “Hubris (HOO-briss) is a Greek word which we translate into English as "pride" or "arrogance." (You can also spell it hybris).”
- Hubris @ Literary Devices - “You can tell the difference of hubris and just regular arrogance or pride by the fact that the character has seemed to allow reality slip away from them. “
Self-Righteousness
- @Urban Dictionary - “A self-righteous person acts superior to his peers because he believes his moral standards are perfect. This "moral smugness" is condescending by nature and is usually found offensive by others. Self-righteousness is a way unintelligent and nonathletic people can retain a sense of superiority. Various cults and religions promote self-righteousness in an attempt to convert the average person, who feels immoral by comparison.”
- @Wikipedia - “The term "self-righteous" is often considered derogatory (see, for example, journalist and essayist James Fallows' description of self-righteousness in regard to Nobel Peace Prize winners[5]) particularly because self-righteous individuals are often thought to exhibit hypocrisy due to the belief that humans are imperfect and can therefore never be infallible, an idea similar to that of the Freudian defense mechanism of reaction formation.”
hypocrisy.
- @ Vocabulary - “The noun hypocrisy descends from the Greek hypokrisis "acting on a stage," from hypokrinesthai "to play a part, pretend," from the prefix hypo- "under" plus krinein "to judge."”
- @ Word Central - “a pretending to be what one is not or to believe what one does not; especially : a pretending to be more virtuous or religious than one really is “
- @Vocabulary - “If you drive drunk despite the fact that you are the president of Students Against Drunk Driving, you are truly hypocritical.”
- @Dictionary - “a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.”
- @Urban Dictionary - “A self-absorbed, arrogant prick who constantly pisses and moans about other people doing something wrong, yet engages in such behavior anyway.”
- @Wikipedia - “Hypocrisy is the contrivance of a false appearance of virtue or goodness, while concealing real character or inclinations, especially with respect to religious and moral beliefs; hence in general sense, dissimulation, pretense, sham. It is the practice of engaging in the same behavior or activity for which one criticizes another. In moral psychology, it is the failure to follow one’s own expressed moral rules and principles.”
- @Vocabulary -”You're a hypocrite if you criticize other people for wearing fur, but pull out your big mink jacket as soon as it gets cold.”
DELUSIONS of grandeur / GRANDIOSE delusions
Delusion of Grandeur @ Good Therapy - “Belief that one has a special relationship with a supernatural entity. Cult leaders, for example, might believe that they can communicate with God or are a manifestation of God on earth.Belief that one has a special relationship with a famous person or authority figure such as the president.Belief that one has a unique destiny. These destinies often involve power, fame, fortune, or supernatural concepts”
- Delusions Of Grandeur: Causes, Symptoms, Treatment @ Medical Health Daily- “Delusions of grandeur are false beliefs held by an individual in which they believe with full conviction that they are a celebrity, person of high rank, omnipotent, and/or a powerful entity – despite significant evidence to the contrary. “
- Delusion of Grandeur @ Encyclopedia of Psychology - “People with a delusion of grandeur often have the conviction of having some great but unrecognized talent or insight. They may also believe they have made some important discovery that others don’t understand or appreciate.”
- @ WIkipedia - “Grandiose delusions (GD) or delusions of grandeur are a subtype of delusion that occur in patients suffering from a wide range of psychiatric diseases, including two-thirds of patients in manic state of bipolar disorder, half of those with schizophrenia, patients with the grandiose subtype of delusional disorder, and a substantial portion of those with substance abuse disorders.[1][2] GDs are characterized by fantastical beliefs that one is famous, omnipotent, wealthy, or otherwise very powerful. The delusions are generally fantastic and typically have a religious, science fictional, or supernatural theme. There is a relative lack of research into GD, in contrast to persecutory delusions and auditory hallucinations. About 10% of healthy people experience grandiose thoughts but do not meet full criteria for a diagnosis of GD.”
- Grandiose Delusions @ NLP Notes - “According to the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic criteria for delusional disorder, grandiose-type symptoms include grossly exaggerated belief of:self-worth.power.knowledge.identity.exceptional relationship to a divinity or famous person.”
- Grandiose Delusional Disorder @ On Search Of Light - “A person with grandiose delusion would be thinking that he is a highly important person, and not just in a sense of having an inflated ego. Someone with a big ego might think, "I am important because I am me." The person believes that they have an undiscovered or special gift or talent or they have made an amazing discovery that others don't get. Someone with delusional disorder on the other hand might think, "I am of immeasurable importance because I am a prophet." They may believe themselves to be a prophet of God, or even the Son of God. They may think that they are "chosen" by the cosmos for some task that will change the world, even if they don't know what that is.”
- Delusions of Grandeur @ Med Health Daily - “A person suffering with this condition is likely to believe that they are important, somehow more important than everyone around them, even thinking they are powerful, rich or famous even when they are none of those things. This is a common symptom of those suffering with various delusional disorders in which they cannot determine between which is real life and which is fantasy – something completely fake or created in their head.”
- Grandiosity and Addiction @ Alcoholrehab - “The symptoms of grandiosity can include:* Feelings of superiority over other people.* Feeling of specialness.* A feeling of invincibility.* The individual who is experiencing grandiosity due to mental illness may believe that they have a special connection with God or a supernatural force.* They may believe that they have supernatural powers.* There can be feelings of euphoria.* The individual will believe that they can achieve anything they put their mind to. They may even believe that they can literally move mountains with their thoughts.
- @WIkipedia - “Grandiosity refers to an unrealistic sense of superiority—a sustained view of oneself as better than others that causes the narcissist to view others with disdain or as inferior—as well as to a sense of uniqueness: the belief that few others have anything in common with oneself and that one can only be understood by a few or very special people.”
- The Narcissist's Grandiose Fantasies By: Dr. Sam Vaknin - “He forgoes his grandiose schemes and gives up on the present. He defers the fulfilment of his fantasies – which support his inflated Ego – to the (indefinite) future.Such narcissists engage in activities (or in daydreaming), which they fervently believe, will make them famous, powerful, influential, or superior in some unspecified future time. They keep their minds occupied and off their failures.”
- The Narcissists Addiction to Grandiosity @ Narcissistic Behavior - “Grandiosity can be expressed in an unrealistic overvaluation of talents and abilities; preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited beauty, power, wealth or success; and a belief in unrealistic superiority and uniqueness. This is usually accompanied by boastful, pretentious, self-centered and self-referential behaviour. “
WITHHOLDING Sex
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Using sex as a weapon Is abuse in itself. Without because your lover is not fitting your standards is not okay. Go to therapy, or else.Feel better,or else Smile, or else Laugh, or else Lose weight,or else Be healthy, or else.... = not okay.
- ILIASM - support and if you play the "I'm not giving you sex because..." card you can see how it affect people
- 6 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Use Sex as a Reward/Punishment in Your Marriage by MELISSA CHAPMAN - "When we withhold sex as a punishment it is like we are treating our spouse like a bad puppy. Sex should never be used as a weapon to get what you want because it corrupts it. So if you withhold it for when he's bad, are you rewarding him when he's good? Your relationship becomes unsafe and when you do this, you are saying that all bets are off. I will hold my hoohoo hostage if I don't get what I want. The silly part is that you are punishing yourself as well. Now, if you are angry with him, you should not have sex. That is not a punishment. That is that you don't feel like having sex. Get your priorities straight. Is your goal to get what you want or to be happy?" Never. Ever. It's not my job to punish my husband - he's a grown man. If he does something that upsets me, I communicate that to him by using WORDS. Being passive aggressive with him by taking away what fulfills him is not only immature but it also sets us up for even more problems down the road. That would be equal to him withdrawing from me and refusing to fulfill me emotionally because I did something to upset him. As two people who vowed to love, honor, cherish, obey, have and hold one another through whatever life may bring, it should be understood that we continue to fulfill one another emotionally and physically even - and especially - when things aren't perfect. That's how we get back on track."
- Sex Wars: When Sex Is a Weapon In Your Marriage DR. CARLA MARIE GRECO - "Over time, long term damage can result by oversight and neglect. As negative as that situation may sound, imagine what happens when a couple’s sexual relationship goes awry as a result of unhealthy behaviors that sabotage the engine. Consciously and unconsciously, sexuality is all too often used as a tool to gain power or control in a relationship. Envision the harm that can be done when oil isn’t added to the engine as a means of punishing a partner. It’s easy to picture the damage that occurs when the engine oil is withheld intentionally out of anger or hurt. As well, problematic malfunctions occur when negative tactics and power struggles contaminate this essential lubricant. It is also understandable that no relationship will be in top form when the oil of sexual intimacy is offered only as a reward or special favor. In the worst of cases, both partners can become entrenched in the power struggle, and a full scale war is silently waged. What was once a shiny, purring engine becomes nothing more than a pile of metal scraps used to wage a war."
- Why You Should NOT Use Sex as a Weapon or a Reward By Derilyn Devlin - "Just as a consistent level of open and honest verbal communication is an essential element of a healthy marriage, communicating about sexual issues is also vital. Sexual intimacy is an important form of communication within a relationship. No marriage can function well when the beauty of sexuality is used in a harmful, controlling manner. Not only does a couple’s sexual relationship allow for physical release, but the intimacy component of sexuality provides a bonding element that is critical. Sexual intimacy offers couples a time to be emotionally close and open. A couple’s sexual relationship can provide a connective "safe haven" from the outside world. When functioning well, a couple’s sexual relationship creates and reinforces feelings of deep love, commitment, and trust.
- Sex as a weapon of control and manipulation K. Ferlic
- How Women Use Sex as a Weapon by Franchesca Warren
- 7 signs you are using sex as a weapon @ AllWomenStalk
- Withholding Sex as a Weapon By: Neil Rosenthal
- Using Sex as a Weapon and the Other Six Biggest Mistakes Married Women Make; Leading Authority on Marriage @ Reuters
- STOP USING SEX AS A WEAPON@ Fire engineering - "To punish someone sexually is to deny them—deliberately. The intention is to hurt, to wound, to retaliate for not getting what you want. It stems from pure selfishness and is a way to gain power. This is what people do with weapons—inflict damage, cause pain. I’ve heard it said that to deny a husband sex is like denying an asthmatic his inhaler—it’s tortuous—and women often know this and do it anyway. Women desire sex, but men need it. A husband has promised to be faithful to one woman; if she refuses to meet his sexual need and his vows keep him from seeking another, she is inflicting cruel and unusual punishment for services not rendered."
- Women Who Use SEX As A Weapon DESERVE To Get CHEATED By Lincoln Anthony Blades
It is dehumanization of your partner
Someone at Experience Project used dehumanization of your partner as a good reason to not do this. Dehumanization is what racists, bigots and bad people do.
- Dehumanization @ Beyond Intractability
- "Dehumanization or dehumanisation describes the denial of "humanness" to other people. It is theorized to take on two forms: animalistic dehumanization, which is employed on a largely intergroup basis, and mechanistic dehumanization, which is employed on a largely interpersonal basis. Dehumanization can occur discursively (e.g., idiomatic language that likens certain human beings to non-human animals, verbal abuse, erasing one's voice from discourse), symbolically (e.g., imagery), or physically (e.g., chattel slavery, physical abuse, refusing eye contact). Dehumanization often ignores the target's individuality (i.e., the creative and interesting aspects of their personality) and prevents one from showing compassion towards stigmatized groups." - Wikipedia
- What is Dehumanization? @ Anawim Christian Community
- 'Less Than Human': The Psychology Of Cruelty : NPR
- Dehumanization definition | Psychology Glossary @ alleydog.com
- Why is it so easy to dehumanise a victim of violence? @ Aeon Essays
Constructive abandonment
- What is a constructive abandonment? @ Clement Law
- What Is Required to Obtain Divorce On Constructive Abandonment Grounds in New YorkRochester Family Lawyer | Rochester Family Lawyer - "Simply put, constructive abandonment occurs when one spouse refuses to have sexual relations with the other, without excuse or justification, for a period of one year preceding the filing of the action for divorce. "
- Sexual Relations and Abandonment. New York Divorce and Family Law, the definitive site about divorce, child support and custody.
- Constructive Abandonment Law & Legal Definition @ US Legal
- Divorce Support - What is constructive desertion?
Alienation of affections
- Alienation of Affection Divorce Laws@ LegalZoom: Legal Info
- What's Alienation of Affection? @ Lawyers.com
- "Alienation of affections is a common law tort, abolished in many jurisdictions. Where it still exists, an action is brought by a deserted spouse against a third party alleged to be responsible for the failure of the marriage. The defendant in an alienation of affections suit is typically an adulterous spouse's lover, although family members, counselors and therapists or clergy members who have advised a spouse to seek divorce have also been sued for alienation of affections. As of 2016, six US states (Hawaii, North Carolina, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota, and Utah) recognize this tort." - Wikipedia
Intentional infliction of emotional distress
- How to Sue for Emotional Distress @ LegalMatch Law Library
- "Intentional infliction of emotional distress (IIED) is a tort claim of recent origin for intentional conduct that results in extreme emotional distress. Some courts and commentators have substituted mental for emotional, but the tort is the same. Some jurisdictions refer to IIED as the tort of outrage." - Wikipedia
- Intentional infliction of emotional distress | Wex Legal Dictionary / Encyclopedia | LII / Legal Information Institute
- Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress @FindLaw
- Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress Claims - Personal Injury @ AllLaw.com
Intimacy Anorexia
- What is Intimacy Anorexia? @ Dawning Hearts - “Busy: staying too busy so you don’t have time for your spouse...Blame: blames spouse for issues in the marriage, justifies their own behaviours, doesn’t take responsibility for their part..Withholding love: to not love someone the way they want to be loved...Withholding praise: doesn’t sincerely compliment their spouse in private—may praise in public...Withholding sex or connected sex: sometimes years, feels like it could be anyone,”
- Marital Kryptonite #4 Intimacy Anorexia by Douglas Weiss Ph.D. @LinkedIn - Intimacy anorexia is like an addiction. The person who has it can use denial, anger, blaming, or rationalization of the behavior. The intimacy anorexic can be the nicest man or woman to others. It’s only in the marriage that this person avoids intimacy. The spouse of an anorexic feels unimportant, unwanted, and untouched and will feel as if he or she is starving for connection and begging for love.”
- Intimacy Anorexia Explained @ Daily Fitness Tip - “Common Withholding Behaviors of Intimacy Anorexia: ”Withholding Sex: It is common for an intimacy anorexic to withhold sex from the spouse, but it is not always the case. If the intimacy anorexic does engage in sex with the spouse, it lacks emotional intimacy.Withholding Acts of Love: Many intimacy anorexics are uncomfortable showing tenderness and love to their spouses. The relationship is often devoid of affectionate touching and kissing, both behind closed doors and in public.Withholding Time Together: Intimacy anorexics often claim to be too busy to spend time with their spouses. Work, friends and other interests usually come first.Withholding Approval: Spouses often receive criticism, rather than praise, from the intimacy anorexic. Spouses may also be blamed for all the problems in the relationship.Withholding Feelings: The intimacy anorexic cannot share his or her true feelings with the spouse. Feelings of romantic love and spirituality are absent. Often, the spouse does not know how the intimacy anorexic really feels about anything in their relationship.”
- Intimacy Anorexia facts & Assessment — Mountain Hope Counseling
- What is Intimacy Anorexia? | Transformed Hearts
- Understanding Intimacy Anorexia by Andrew Green @ Addiction therapist NJ - “What does intimacy anorexia feel like?For both partners, emotional isolation is pervasive. Disconnect and internal numbness may be all that remains.The partner of an intimacy anorexic may feel abandoned, “single,” or “like a roommate” more than a lover or friend.Some researchers find that the emotional strain of intimacy anorexia is often physically damaging. High blood pressure and digestive issues aren’t unusual. Some people employ bad habits like overeating or smoking to fill emotional voids.”
- 7 Tell-Tale Signs Your Partner Has "Intimacy Anorexia" by Argie Spuck @ YourTango - 1. They're always too busy to connect.2. They play the "blame game".3. They withhold love, praise, and even sex.4. They refuse to express their feelings.5. They constantly criticize.6. They use the silent treatment.7. They use money to control
- a term created by Dr. Doug Weiss at Heart to Heart Counseling Center, is basically the starvation of love from your partner. It is when a person in a relationship actively withholds emotional, sexual or spiritual intimacy from their partner.Below you will find ten common characteristics of intimacy anorexia.Characteristic #1 Withholding LoveIntimacy anorexics often actively withhold love from their partner. Characteristic #2 Withholding Praise & Appreciation Intimacy anorexics often do not praise their partner on a regular basis.Characteristic #3 Withholding Sex Some intimacy anorexics also withhold sex from their partner. Primarily, they withhold intimacy during sex.Characteristic #4 Controlling with Silence or AngerIntimacy anorexics often use silence or anger to control their partner.Characteristic #5 Too Busy for Relational Time Intimacy anorexics stay so busy they have little relational time for their partner.Characteristic #6 Ongoing or Ungrounded Criticism Intimacy anorexics often have ongoing or ungrounded criticism toward their partner.We refer to these as the ABCs: accusation, blame and criticism. They often go hand-in-hand.Characteristic #7 Unwillingness or Inability to Discuss FeelingsIntimacy anorexics are often unwilling or unable to share their feelings with their partner.Characteristic #8 Blame Others for their ProblemsIntimacy anorexics often blame their partner for problems in their marriage.Characteristic #9 Controlling with Money Though this may be the least common characteristic, an intimacy anorexic often will use money to control their partner.Characteristic #10 Withholding Spiritually Intimacy anorexics, though they may be religious, can also withhold prayer and reading the Bible [ or any other spiritual practice. Heck, if you are both Star Wars nerds and follow the Star Wars religion read and study Star Wars together and what it says about trust, loyalty,etc.]together with their partner." - Transformed Hearts
- Official site
- [Pic:] "Hugging me from behind and kissing my neck at the same time is a good way to melt my heart." from Flirtationship...
- [Pic]"Even though I'm mad I just wanted to say goodnight &I love you..."
- "When you mad at bae, But still want a kiss."
- Just because I'm mad doesn't mean I stop caring
- "...I want that OLD SCHOOL LOVE that our GRANDMA'S & GRANDPA'S Had, that love where we can work thru Anything, that love where we can argue so hard & then be cuddled up a hour later like NOTHING EVA HAPPENED..." - Cardell Skip Tunez Bradley
I feel and express my emotions a lot. My best friend is good, but is not good with confronting me about issues he may have with me in our friendship. He is not good with confrontation and even though it's just me, he is just not comfortable with it.
That is okay. That is his choice and he feels the most comfortable that way. Do not force someone to express their emotions if they do not want to. It sucks, but there is nothing you can do except focus on yourself. You are forcing someone to express emotions because that is comfortable for you. Real acceptance and unconditional love IS difficult. These are the times where love is really tested.People should not be forced to discuss something they do not want to.
These are selfish demands. They are selfish because YOU want to talk about it and he/she doesn't but because you want it, you must get it.
If he or she doesn't want to talk about it, then leave it be. There is nothing you can do so don't judge the situation, don't dwell on it, just let it go.
That is okay. That is his choice and he feels the most comfortable that way. Do not force someone to express their emotions if they do not want to. It sucks, but there is nothing you can do except focus on yourself. You are forcing someone to express emotions because that is comfortable for you. Real acceptance and unconditional love IS difficult. These are the times where love is really tested.People should not be forced to discuss something they do not want to.
These are selfish demands. They are selfish because YOU want to talk about it and he/she doesn't but because you want it, you must get it.
If he or she doesn't want to talk about it, then leave it be. There is nothing you can do so don't judge the situation, don't dwell on it, just let it go.
"IT WILL FEEL BETTER/ IT WILL GET BETTER,TAKE A NAP,"ETC. - "have you tried going to sleep and waking up again?"
Minimisation
"I only said he was a good-for-nothing scrub. I don't know why he is so upset."
- @ Wikipedia - "Minimisation is a type of deception involving denial coupled with rationalisation in situations where complete denial is implausible. It is the opposite of exaggeration."
- @ Abuse Wikia - "Words associated with minimisation include: discounting. meiosis. trivialisation. understating"
- @ Wow - "School bullying sometimes minimised as a prank. Understatements. Self-esteem/depression. Social minimisation"
- @ Wow - "Social interchanges involving minor infringements often end with the 'victim' minimizing the offence with a comment like 'Think nothing of it',[16] using so-called 'reduction words',[17] such as 'no big deal,' 'only a little,' 'merely,' or 'just', the latter particularly useful in denying intent.[18] On a wider scale, renaming things in a more benign or neutral form—'collateral damage' for death—is a form of minimisation."
DISMISSING
- Should You Actually Trust Your Boyfriend Not to Hurt You? @ All Women Stalk
- The #1 Way You Antagonize Your Partner Without Knowing It @ Psychology Today - “Telling them to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on.’”
- 6 Ways You Might Be Dismissing Your Partner Without Even Realizing It @Bustle - “1. You Tell Your Partner to "Get Over It" On the Regular...2. You Tell Your Partner to "Move On"...3. You Are Always On Your Phone When They're Speaking..4. You Are Vague...5. You Are Avoidant” Note:Sometimes people don’t like to talk about things, that is THEIR decision. Stop forcing someone to talk about their feelings if they don’t want to.
Forcing them to express their emotions is an invasion of privacy
Invasion of privacy/ everyone has right to privacy.
It is the verbal form of reading someone's diary without their permission. it is, to me,invading their emotional privacy.
It is the verbal form of reading someone's diary without their permission. it is, to me,invading their emotional privacy.
- Yours & Mine: Respecting Personal Privacy in Your Relationship @ PairedLife - “This is a hard concept for some people to grasp. There is nothing at all wrong with a person wanting to have a place that just belongs to them. Just like there is nothing wrong with wanting to spend an evening home alone in your sweats watching the Twilight Zone marathon by yourself. Alone time, and privacy, are natural human needs.”
- Have a Little Respect for Privacy @ The Nature of Borders - Marriage - “Why do we think that "getting close to someone" means we have to know their every private thought? We're insulted when those we love won't tell us everything. We accuse them of "hiding" from us, and we're hurt. But if you try to peek behind the curtains of someone else's privacy, you won't get any closer to that person. Quite the opposite: you'll become estranged. If a person doesn't want to reveal a part of himself or herself, then to look there is wrong.”
- The Prying Game - AskMen (Pg.2) - “ However, for those of you in need of prying repellent, I would recommend creating a symbolic set of rules with your girlfriend. Set up a theoretical boundary around problem areas both of you have trouble avoiding.”
- Relationship privacy: Privacy and snooping in romantic relationships - Page 2 @ tribunedigital-chicagotribune - ““Iris Krasnow, a journalist who interviewed 200 women for her book "The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married" (Gotham), said the happiest spouses were those who maintained a separate identity, some by taking separate summer vacations from their spouse, others by keeping their "soulful secrets" — dreams about what they want to do or be, thoughts about the fabric of their lives — to themselves.”
- Secrets in Marriage -- Need for Privacy @ About - “"You have the right to privacy--in marriage, in a family, in any relationship, in any group--the right to keep a part of your life secret, no matter how trivial or how important, merely because you want it to be that way. And you have the right to be alone part of each day, each week, and each year, to spend time with yourself." - From the Valley Mental Health”
- Darling, Should You Maintain Your Privacy? @ Psychology Today - “There is then an interesting trade-off between emotional closeness and openness on the one hand and privacy on the other hand: greater emotional closeness and openness imply lesser privacy, and greater privacy implies a decrease in emotional closeness and openness. The closer we are to a certain person, the more we want to be sincere and open by revealing intimate information; hence, our privacy zone is likely to contract. However, the closer we are to a certain person, the more stakes we have in the relationship, and intimate information is potentially more harmful for us; hence, we wish to expand our privacy zone. Accordingly, we need to find the right balance between emotional closeness, openness, and privacy.”
- Spying in the name of love @ Chicago Tribute - "Masterson, now divorced, said she and her new boyfriend have found a healthy balance between transparency and privacy. She said she would happily hand over her cellphone if he asked, as would he, though she would be angry if he peeked behind her back.Your partner doesn't have to know everything.Your journals. Your hobbies. Your box of old love letters. Friends' confidences. Family dramas. They're no one's business but your own — and sometimes it's healthiest to keep it that way." - I don't agree with the flirting part. flirting is something you should be giving your partner. It's like saying.. sex with someone else to feel flattered is okay (however,if you're in an open-relationship and agree to it that is fine)
- Have a Little Respect for Privacy:The Nature of Borders By Manis Friedman - "Jewish law has great respect for privacy. If you want to build a home overlooking another home, you cannot do it in such a way that you would be able to see into your neighbor's courtyard from your window. It would be an invasion of privacy. Gossiping about others or making judgments about their behavior is also prohibited because it means you are looking into an aspect of their existence that is not open to your scrutiny. It's private, between them and G‑d; and if you judge them, you're trespassing.When a poor man knocks at your door and says, "I'm hungry," and your first thought is, "Why can't you get a job?", you've invaded his privacy. Why would you need to know why he can't get a job? He didn't come to discuss his inabilities or bad habits; he came to discuss his hunger. If you want to do something about it, feed him. But don't probe where you're not invited. Don't look behind the curtain he so carefully put up to protect himself.In marriage, our most intimate relationship, respect for privacy is fundamental. A husband and wife have the right and the need for a curtain that says, "Yes, you can come into my life, for better or for worse, till death do us part, but don't peek where I don't want to be seen. Don't look at what I'm not comfortable exposing about myself. And don't expect from me what I don't want to give."If we want to create an intimate relationship, we have to remember one simple rule of etiquette: "Be thankful for what you get, and do not expect what the other person doesn't have.""
fallacy of relative privation / appeal to bigger problems aka "PEOPLE IN TIMBUKTUNANTUCKET HAVE IT WORSE THAN YOU."
- @Logically Fallacious “Logical Form:Scenario S is presented.Scenario B is presented as a best-case.Therefore, Scenario S is not that good.Scenario S is presented.Scenario B is presented as a worst-case.Therefore, Scenario S is very good.”
- Dawkins Elucidates Relative Privation • Background Probability @ Skepticink - “The fallacy of relative privation is an informal fallacy by which one compares the subject under discussion to something else which is generally agreed to be far more serious, in an effort to “suggest that the opponent’s argument should be ignored” or else to justify the lesser privation as zero bad. “
- Why You Shouldn’t Compare People’s Pain @ The Mighty - “Life can be tiring and painful for everybody — even if they are not affected by a chronic illness or disability. Your pain is still valid, your pain can still be unbearable, your pain is yours.You are valid and you deserve to be happy. I do, too.So please stop comparing my pain and exhaustion to your tiredness.We are all tired. I’m tired, too.”
- Fallacies - Relative Privation @ Hevanet - “The real danger from this last example of the fallacy is that if people believe that their own situation really is ameliorated by such a comparison, they will naturally conclude that their own situation can, in practice, actually BE ameliorated by MAKING somebody else worse off! This is what underlies the behavior known as "beggar thy neighbor."”
- Let's Stop Minimizing Our Pain Just Because We Can Compare It to Something "Worse" - xoJane - “I can’t decide for my friend that she should be angrier or sadder or dictate her response at all, just like I can't pluck her sadness from her heart and make it all better. Nor do I get to decide what should be very/more/most offensive to anyone else, even a close friend, based on my thoughts on the matter.”
- Grief: Why Comparing Losses Never Helps and Often Hurts @ Grief Recovery Method - “The absolute uniqueness of your one-of-a-kind relationship with the person who died." Talks about grief but it can also be said for other feelings as well.
- The combination of time*, intensity, and value the relationship had for you, which could include negative value as well as positive.The degree to which you felt emotionally complete with that person before they died. Many people who had bad relationships with someone who “should” have been a loved one are often left with a great deal of undelivered emotional communications.Even though you may have felt emotionally complete and had communicated nearly everything important before an important person in your life died, their absence can affect you profoundly. This includes the fact that they may have been the one person you shared your feelings with, and he or she is no longer here.”
INVALIDATING FEELINGS
Includes : Judging, denying,etc.
- "You are not angry, I know how you act when you’re angry,” and “You have eaten so much, I know you aren’t hungry,” invalidate the other person by saying they don’t feel what they are saying they feel." - Psych Central
- "“You are so overreacting,” and “That is a ridiculous thought,” are examples of invalidation by judging. Ridicule is a particularly damaging: “Here we go again, cry over nothing, let those big tears flow because the grass is growing.”" -Psych Central
- Invalidation: I Refuse to Have This Discussion! @ Psychopaths and Love
- Invalidation and validation (and BPD) @ graceful Warrior - Including "Dismissing:”Why don’t you just think positive?”Judging: giving a negative assumption, ‘verdict,’ or opinion about the emotion/experience. Can also include ridicule, accusations, mocking, etc. " Although, I think some people DO feel better when their partner finds them cute when they are angry.
- 20 ways you can emotionally invalidate someone @ Anything to stop the pain - Including 1. Ordering the person to feel differently2. Ordering the person to “look” differently.6. Minimizing the feelings.17. Philosophizing Or Cliches
- Invalidation @ EQI
- Do You Invalidate Your Partner –Without Realizing It? by Dr. Suzanne B. Phillips
- Emotional Invalidation and Anxiety by Marie Glenmore
- Please, Don't Tell People How to Feel By UnaSpenser - "One of the more bothersome dynamics I see when we have tension amongst us is the way people will invalidate others by telling them how they should feel about something or that there is something wrong with them if they are having the feelings they are having.Can we please stop? It is not a sign of "life imbalance" or emotional instability or lack of "fortitude" or whatever phrase you can think of to say, "I don't want to accept your feelings so I'm going to tell you why you shouldn't have them.""
- @Out of the FOG - "Invalidation - The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless."
- Understanding Invalidation By Karyn Hall, PhD - "Emotional invalidation is when a person’s thoughts and feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged. Invalidation is emotionally upsetting for anyone, but particularly hurtful for someone who is emotionally sensitive.Invalidation disrupts relationships and creates emotional distance. When people invalidate themselves, they create alienation from the self and make building their identity very challenging.Self-invalidation and invalidation by others make recovery from depression and anxiety particularly difficult. Some believe that invalidation is a major contributor to emotional disorders.Misinterpreting What It Means to Be Close:Misunderstanding What it Means to Validate.Wanting to Fix Your Feelings: “Come on, don’t be sad. Want some ice cream?” People who love you don’t want you to hurt so sometimes they invalidate your thoughts and feelings in their efforts to get you to feel happier.Not Wanting to Hurt Your Feelings.Wanting the Best for You
Menticide
- Define Menticide @ Dictionary.com - “the systematic effort to undermine and destroy a person's values and beliefs, as by the use of prolonged interrogation, drugs, torture, etc., and to induce radically different ideas.”
- @ Urban Dictionary - “The undermining or destruction of a person's mind or will."
Thought Policing/controlling feelings
- Thought Police 1984 @ Enotes - “In 1984, the government, or the Party, is a very controlling force in the lives of the citizens. It puts up cameras everywhere to watch the people, and to enforce good, patriotic behavior....That way, if you say something negative against the Party, it is recorded, and the government comes after you.”“
- Borderline Personality Disorder: 'I couldn't deal with the rollercoaster in my head' @ Telegraph - "She explains the formula that she teaches families in her therapeutic practice: Support, Empathy and Truth. "As a rule of thumb, always start by validating the other person's feelings – you don't have to agree with the behaviour to do that, you can just empathise with the feelings, because there are no right or wrong feelings," she explains. "Then, when they feel that you're on their side, you can point out your version of the truth.""
- The need to control the suffer's emotions.
- The need to force the suffer to be happy, or smile
- The need to force them to feel better.
- This can be classified as trying to control their thoughts. It's hard seeing someone sad;however, we must simply be there for them. Happiness is overrated anyway. We must accept and acknowledge them for who they are and if being sad all the time is who they are, then you can either deal with it,or go away.
- What is thought policing? @ Online Counselling Blog - "That is, the person doesn’t want you to have your own opinions – so they question, or attack, everything you say or do. This can cause low self-esteem as you’re being trampled over, and not being respected as an independent person."
- @Out of the FOG - "Thought Policing - Any process of trying to question, control, or unduly influence another person's thoughts or feelings."
- "If a person has a thought or feeling - let them have it! If a person chooses to believe something you know isn’t true - that’s their business - not yours. Let them believe what they want to believe and feel what they want to feel. That’s their stuff! Your own feelings and your own thoughts are your own stuff and your own property and that’s where your focus belongs and is most fruitfully spent.If you find yourself becoming upset with someone over the way they feel or over the way they think you may even be guilty of thought policing yourself! It is always more productive (and appropriate) to focus on behaviors you find unacceptable rather than thoughts." - @Out of the Fog
- "A thoughtcrime is an occurrence or instance of controversial or socially unacceptable thoughts. The term is also used to describe some theological concepts such as disbelief or idolatry, or a rejection of strong social or philosophical principles.The term was popularized in the dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell, wherein thoughtcrime is the criminal act of holding unspoken beliefs or doubts that oppose or question the ruling party. In the book, the government attempts to control not only the speech and actions, but also the thoughts of its subjects. To entertain unacceptable thoughts is known as crimethink in Newspeak, the ideologically purified dialect of the party" - Wikipedia
"Stop telling me to smile"
Mind control
Thought stopping (form of therapy)
I feel this can be helpful if you make the decision to use this because it works for you (see cbt therapy). Nevertheless,when people try to force you to stop thinking about something that is bothering you, or to stop feeling a certain way, that is not okay. This techniques works for me while if I had my friend do it it would make him more upset with me and himself. The problem isn’t with the technique, it is the people who try to push this onto you especially if you do not like it and it doesn’t work for you.
As seen on Is it time to stop Thought Stopping? @ Adam's Hypnosis Hub
- Is it time to stop Thought Stopping? @ Adam's Hypnosis Hub - “All thought stopping does is re-enforce the idea that some thoughts are bad, to be feared and can lead to harm. The building blocks of what is referred to in CBT as "thought action fusion". The idea that your thoughts somehow have the power to create actions in the world, cause or prevent harm from happening etc. "Thought Action Fusion" is one of the main building blocks of OCD and other anxiety disorders. You cannot control your thoughts. And it's dangerous to try. You're not God and your thoughts do not automatically create things in the world or influence bad things to happen. Thoughts are simply mental events that come, stick around and pass. Just like emotions (okay, fair enough, both thoughts and emotions also have a presence in the body so they are technically physical events too). They are not to be feared”
- @ Will Powered - “We want to control our diets, our tempers and our credit card debt. Unfortunately, due to ironic rebound, the more we try to control our thoughts of Ben & Jerry’s, that annoying coworker or the one-time-only sale at the mall, the more likely we are to lose that control. Even if we do end up resisting the temptation, the process of trying to control the thought is going to unnecessarily burn through our willpower, leaving us more likely to indulge in something else.”
- @Wikipedia - “Thought stopping is a controversial cognitive intervention technique prescribed by therapists (psychologists and psychiatrists) with the goal of interrupting and removing problematic recurring thought patterns. The problem thought could be a worry, an obsession, an urge, an unwanted habit, etc.”
- Thought Stopping: Why it doesn't work, and what works better @ Anxiety Coach. - “Worry and other forms of unwanted thoughts are like a heckler, rather than a mugger. You'll be better off working with them than against them.”
- Why Thought Stopping Doesn’t Work |@ Psychology Today - “Thought-stopping is based on the idea that you cannot stand having a certain kind of thought. You cannot stand having an "obsession" or a "worry." It confirms your idea that these thoughts are harmful or will lead to your losing control. Thought-rebounding occurs because you cannot eliminate thoughts that are in your mind-you cannot erase your memory. Not only is it impossible to erase your memory, but by actively engaging in suppressing a thought you must pay attention to the thought-you must actually look for the thought that you are trying to suppress! And, to make things even worse, you are saying to yourself that this thought that you are trying to suppress may actually be a dangerous (or an important) thought. Therefore, when you have the thought again, you should really pay attention to it.”
- @ Will Powered
- Ironic rebound effect / Dr. Simon Moss @ Sicotests - “If individuals attempt to suppress their anger, for example, striving vigorously to divert their thoughts from the sources of this emotion, these emotions dissipate. After a period of time, however, their rage returns, usually stronger than was the anger they experienced before they suppressed this emotion (Wenzlaff & Bates, 2000).
- Ironic Rebound - Why Suppressing Thoughts Doesn't Work @ Willpowered - “And it didn't stop there. Even more shocking is that when they suppressed something, they ended up thinking about it more than if they were actually trying to think about it! “
- Why Thought Suppression is Counter-Productive @ PsyBlog - “Since the discovery of the rebound effect researchers have probed the situations in which it occurs, especially how suppression interacts with emotions. Unsurprisingly thoughts more emotionally laden than white bears are particularly vulnerable to the rebound effect.”
- The White Bear Effect: Why You Should Feel What You Feel, But Not Believe Everything You Think @ Disrupting the Rabblement - “Between sessions in the fMRI machine, Goldin teaches each participant to observe and accept their thoughts and feelings, no matter how scary or uncomfortable they may be. This is a big change from the suppresion technique social anxiety sufferers normally use to deal with challenging thoughts. Goldin encourages them not to push the scary thoughts away, teaching them instead how to handle such thoughts and develop confidence that the anxiety will naturally run its course if they don’t resist it.The brain activity of each participant in Goldin’s studies is drastically different before and after the coaching. The fMRI machine shows that when someone pays more attention to the self-critical statements appearing on-screen in front of them, there is much less activity in the stress center of their brain.Whatever fear or desire you try to push away will become more convincing and compelling.”
- Ironic Rebound: When Good Intentions Go Bad @ Positive-Living-Now - “Ironic Rebound is what happens when you tell yourself you won’t do something. You won’t think about chocolate; you won’t get lost playing computer games or spending time on Twitter; you won’t lose your temper when a driver cuts you off in traffic; you won’t buy any more lottery tickets. You’re determined. But before you know it, you’re doing exactly the thing you swore you wouldn’t do. Ironically, it bounces back at you like a boomerang.”
- Ironic rebound effect @ psychlopedia - “Individuals who strive to inhibit or suppress their emotions when upset, for instance, are especially inclined to experience depression (John & Gross, 2004) as well as anxiety disorders (Campbell-Sills, Barlow, Brown, & Hofmann, 2006). These unpleasant emotions tend to recur, compromising the wellbeing of individuals. Depression and anxiety, hence, might partly reflect undue shame towards undesirable thoughts or feelings, which encourages suppression and thus amplifies ironic rebound effects. “
As seen on Is it time to stop Thought Stopping? @ Adam's Hypnosis Hub
- Thought-Action Fusion and OCD @ very Well - “Thought-action fusion can also lead people to believe that thinking about an unwanted event makes it more likely that the event will happen.”
- OCD and Thought-Action Fusion @ OCDLA - “ those with thought-action fusion often take on the weight of the world and compulsively attempt to be prepared for impending doom. The girl who fears the home invasion avoids spending the night out with her friends, and repeatedly does compulsive rituals in an effort to protect her family from attack. She dreads the day she leaves for college, as she will be removed from the “guard station” she operates from her childhood bedroom. The college student who fears wandering out of his dorm room in the middle of the night begs his roommate to lock him in from the outside so that there is no risk that he will get out and harm someone.”
- OCD and Thought-Action Fusion@ ocdtalk - “Additionally, thought-action fusion can also include the belief that thinking these terrible thoughts can somehow make them come true. So if you believe that thinking about harming a loved one can actually cause this harm to happen, what would you do?”
- Thought-action fusion explained @ Dan Roberts - “One of the reasons Marie gets upset is because she believes the act of thinking about running people over makes it more likely to actually happen. And after her drive she is convinced that because she keeps worrying about hitting people, and even seeing images of that happening in her mind, it means she has actually hit someone. Such is the logic-defying slipperiness of OCD, which makes it challenging to treat.”
- OCD and Thought-Action Fusion @ Psych Central
What are factitious disorders
- Factitious Disorders @Psych Web - Individuals with factitious disorder may:Make up different subjective complaints (e.g. stomach pain or headache).Cause symptoms by harming themselves in some way.Intentionally worsen or exaggerate a current condition (e.g. someone with epilepsy fakes a grand mal seizure)”
- Functional Mental Disorders @ SIUE - ““Factitious” comes from the Latin word meaning “artificial,” and as the name suggests, people with factitious disorders will present artificial symptoms of real medical conditions. They will often go to incredible lengths to imitate symptoms of a real medical condition. In some cases, people with factitious disorders have intentionally harmed themselves, injected bacteria into their bodies, contaminated lab tests, and taken hallucinogenic drugs to feign symptoms. “
- Factitious Disorder Information @ The Mount Sinai Hospital - “Factitious disorder with mostly psychological symptoms—For example, the person may pretend to have schizophrenia.Factitious disorder with mostly physical symptoms—For example, the person acts as if they have chest pain or abdominal pain. The term "Munchausen syndrome" is sometimes used to refer to this type.Factitious disorder with both psychological and physical symptoms.Factitious disorder not otherwise specified—Factitious disorder by proxy (or Munchausen syndrome by proxy) fall into this category. This involves a parent using his or her child to get needless medical attention for the child.”
- Factitious disorder: What to do when someone plays sick @ Current Psychiatry - “Most of us cannot imagine why a person would wish to remain sick. Why would someone be willing to endure pain and multiple hospital stays, remain isolated from family, and risk a permanent disability? “
- Factitious disorder - causes, DSM, effects, therapy, adults, drug, person, people @ Mind Disorders- “DSM-IV-TR specifies three criteria for factitious disorder:The patient is intentionally producing or pretending to have physical or psychological symptoms or signs of illness.The patient's motivation is to assume the role of a sick person.There are no external motives (as in malingering) that explain the behavior.”
- Factitious Disorder Imposed on Self @ Merck Manuals Professional Edition - “ Feigning illness may be a way to increase or protect self-esteem by blaming failures on their illness, by being associated with prestigious physicians and medical centers, and/or by appearing unique, heroic, or medically knowledgeable and sophisticated.”
- @Mayo Clinic - “Factitious disorder is a serious mental disorder in which someone deceives others by appearing sick, by purposely getting sick, or by self-injury. Factitious disorder symptoms can range from mild (slight exaggeration of symptoms) to severe (previously called Munchausen syndrome). The person may make up symptoms or even tamper with medical tests to convince others that treatment, such as high-risk surgery, is needed.”
- @WebMD - “People with factitious disorders deliberately create or exaggerate symptoms of an illness in several ways. They may lie about or fake symptoms, hurt themselves to bring on symptoms, or alter tests (such as contaminating a urine sample) to make it look like they or the person in their care are sick.”
- @Wikipedia - “They might be motivated to perpetrate factitious disorders either as a patient or by proxy as a caregiver to gain any variety of benefits including attention, nurturing, sympathy, and leniency that are seen as not obtainable any other way.”
- An Overview of Factitious Disorders @ Cleveland clinic - “One example of Factitious Disorder is to mimic behavior that is typical of a mental illness, such as schizophrenia. The person may appear confused, make absurd statements, and report hallucinations (the experience of sensing things that are not there; for example, hearing voices). Another example is deceptively laying claim to having symptoms related to a physical illness, such as chest pain, stomach problems, or fever. In the past this was referred to as Munchausen syndrome, named for Baron von Munchausen, an 18th century German officer who was known for embellishing the stories of his life and experiences.”
Malingering
- @ Urban Dictionary - “Malingering is intentional deceptive behavior, not a medical or psychiatric disorder. The diagnosis of malingering rests upon the identification of an external or "secondary" gain being present as the main motivation for the behavior. In other words, what does the person hope to gain?”
- Malingering: Can it be detected? @ Med League Support Services - “One way of defining a good patient or plaintiff is a person who:Presents with objective signs and symptoms of a treatable injury.Makes no emotional demands upon the physician or attorney, such as uncomfortable displays of excessive emotion.Cooperates with the treatment process.Upon getting well, displays gratitude for the help received.”
- @Vocabulary - “When you malinger, you pretend to be sick. If you ever claimed to have a stomach ache in order to stay home from school, you know what it means to malinger.”
- Faking it: How to detect malingered psychosis @ Current Psychiatry - “Malingerers may have inadequate or incomplete knowledge of the mental illness they are faking. Indeed, malingerers are like actors who can portray a role only as well as they understand it. They often overact their part or mistakenly believe the more bizarre their behavior, the more convincing they will be. Conversely, “successful” malingerers are more likely to endorse fewer symptoms and avoid endorsing overly bizarre or unusual symptoms.”
- Defining malingering. @ NCBI - “Malingering may coexist with the antisocial personality disorder, with various factitious disorders, such as the Ganser Syndrome and the Munchausen Syndrome, with the hysterias and with traumatic neuroses and other mental disorders. “
- Malingering Clinical Presentation: History, Physical, Causes @ Emedicine -”Persons malingering psychotic disorders often exaggerate hallucinations and delusions but cannot mimic formal thought disorders. They usually cannot feign blunted affect, concrete thinking, or impaired interpersonal relatedness.”
- Malingering @ Psychology Today - “Malingering is the purposeful production of falsely or grossly exaggerated complaints with the goal of receiving a reward. These may include money, insurance settlement, drugs or the avoidance of punishment, work, jury duty, the military or some other kind of service.”
- Malingering: Key Points in Assessment @ Psychiatric Times - “On the other hand, a patient with factitious disorder who repeatedly injects insulin to induce hypoglycemia may jeopardize his or her own well-being—a high personal cost just to assume the sick role.”
- @Wikipedia - “Malingering is fabricating or exaggerating the symptoms of mental or physical disorders for a variety of "secondary gain" motives, which may include financial compensation (often tied to fraud); avoiding school, work or military service; obtaining drugs; getting lighter criminal sentences; or simply to attract attention or sympathy. Malingering is different from somatization disorder and factitious disorder.”
- How to Tell if Someone is Faking Mental Illness | Malingering / Factitious Disorder
Ganser Syndrome
- Ganser Syndrome @ Web MD - “Ganser syndrome is a type of factitious disorder, a mental illness in which a person deliberately and consciously acts as if he or she has a physical or mental illness when he or she is not really sick. “
- Ganser Syndrome @ Cleveland Clinic - “Ganser syndrome is a Factitious Disorder, a mental illness in which a person acts as if he or she has a physical or mental illness when in truth, he or she has caused or made up the symptoms. People with factitious disorders act this way because of an inner need to be seen as ill or injured, not to achieve a concrete benefit, such as financial gain. They are even willing to undergo painful or risky tests and operations in order to obtain the sympathy and special attention given to people who are truly ill. Factitious Disorder is considered mental illness because it is associated with severe emotional difficulties.”
- Ganser's syndrome - person, personality, Definition, Description @ Mind Disorders - “Ganser's syndrome is usually sudden in onset and, like malingering , seems to arise in response to an opportunity for personal gain or the avoidance of some responsibility. The patient will offer nearly correct replies when asked questions about facts of common knowledge, such as the number of days in a year, the number of months in a year, subtracting seven from 100, the product of four times five, etc. ...These persons appear to have no difficulty in understanding questions asked, but appear to provide incorrect answers deliberately.”
Münchausen syndrome
- Mental Health: Munchausen Syndrome @WebMD - “Munchausen syndrome include: Dramatic but inconsistent medical history.Unclear symptoms that are not controllable and that become more severe or change once treatment has begun.Predictable relapses following improvement in the condition.Extensive knowledge of hospitals and/or medical terminology, as well as the textbook descriptions of illnesses.Presence of multiple surgical scars.Appearance of new or additional symptoms following negative test results.Presence of symptoms only when the patient is with others or being observed.Willingness or eagerness to have medical tests, operations, or other procedures.History of seeking treatment at numerous hospitals, clinics, and doctors offices, possibly even in different cities.Reluctance by the patient to allow doctors to meet with or talk to family, friends, or prior doctors.Problems with identity and self-esteem”
- Munchausen Syndrome (Fictitious Disorder) @ Cleveland Clinic - “Some individuals may put blood in their urine, inject themselves with feces or put tight rubber bands around an arm or leg.There are many forms this disorder may take: feigning cancer, cardiac disease, skin disorders, infections, bleeding disorders, metabolic disorders, chronic diarrhea, and many more.“
- @EMedicine Health - “People with Munchausen syndrome intentionally cause signs and symptoms of an illness or injury by inflicting medical harm to their body, often to the point of having to be hospitalized. These people are sometimes eager to undergo invasive medical interventions. They are also known to move from doctor to doctor, hospital to hospital, or town to town to find a new audience once they have exhausted the workup and treatment options available in a given medical setting. People with Munchausen syndrome may also make false claims about their accomplishments, credentials, relations to famous people, etc.”
- Munchausen Syndrome (Factitious Disorder) Causes & Facts @ MedicineNet - “Munchausen syndrome, referred to as factitious disorder, is a mental illness that involves the sufferers causing or pretending to have physical or psychological symptoms in themselves.”
- Münchhausen's Syndrome. About Münchhausen's Syndrome @ Patient - “Münchhausen's syndrome can be characterised by three features:Simulated illness: either physical or psychiatric.Pathological lying (pseudologia fantastica).Wandering from place to place (peregrination): the patient typically presents to numerous different hospitals, using different names.In Münchhausen's syndrome:Symptoms can be simulated - eg, contamination of specimens to look like haematuria, haemoptysis, haematemesis.A pre-existing illness can be aggravated.Disease may even be self-induced - eg, eating contaminated food to cause food poisoning.
- @Wikipedia - “In Munchausen syndrome, the affected person exaggerates or creates symptoms of illnesses in themselves to gain examination, treatment, attention, sympathy, and/or comfort from medical personnel. In some extreme cases, people suffering from Munchausen syndrome are highly knowledgeable about the practice of medicine and are able to produce symptoms that result in lengthy and costly medical analysis, prolonged hospital stays, and unnecessary operations.”
- @Life Script - “Munchausen syndrome belongs to a group of mental illnesses called “factitious disorders,” in which patients compulsively simulate a physical or mental illness. “
- @NHS Choices - “pretending to have psychological symptoms – for example, claiming to hear voices or claiming to see things that aren't really there.pretending to have physical symptoms – for example, claiming to have chest pain or a stomach ache.actively trying to get ill – such as deliberately infecting a wound by rubbing dirt into it,”
- Munchausen's syndrome uploaded by NHS Choices
apathy
dyspathy
antipathy
Baiting
- Baiting @ Out of the FOG - "Your spouse suddenly, without cause, accuses you of having an affair. A former spouse sends an email to the children's school accusing you of child neglect. You arrive home to discover that a family member has deliberately damaged some of your property. Your boyfriend or girlfriend flirts with someone in front of you. On the way home, they claim that you are terrible in bed."
- "Baiting @ Flying Monkeys Denied - "Baiting, or “to bait”, is the act of deliberately annoying or provoking someone to extreme emotion, or taunting someone in order to provoke a response (for better or for worse)."
- Narcissists Use Bait & Switch Maneuvers @ After Narcissistic Abuse - "In the beginning they’ll seize every opportunity to become your hero. They’ll be overly protective when people are unkind to you, they’ll tell you they don’t know what they’re talking about. They’ll say you’re a superstar; you’ll believe it. Before you realize it, they take every opportunity to tell you how you bring bad things upon yourself, how you deserve these negative criticisms because you’re just so __________ (fill in the blank). "
- Narcissism Baiting uploaded by Narcissism Survivor
- "A narcissist’s emotional survival requires ‘baiting’ – which includes manipulating, or pathologically gaining energy through any means possible, without boundaries or conscience in order to gain energy - to try to feel some ‘worthiness’ and ‘existence’" - How narcissist’s use baiting to get an emotional reaction and why they use it @ Self Growth
Selective memory/selective amnesia
This isn't someone who forgets stuff all the time, this is someone who just wants power and control over you.
- Selective Amnesia @ Luke 173 Ministries - "Selective Amnesia is the abuser’s phony defense of very conveniently forgetting anything that does not support his case. Suddenly he can’t recall anything he ever did wrong, only whatever he can manage to twist to make himself look innocent, and make you look like the villain. Many of us have had our abusers claim innocence and pretend they have no idea what we are talking about when we rebuke them for their behavior. If we are finally driven to cut ties with our abuser, or strangely enough, even if she is the one to cut ties with us, sooner or later, she will claim to have no clue what she did wrong. "
- @ Out of the FOG - "Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome."
- Selective Memory @ Narcissists Child - "My own MNM’s particular brand of selective memory was simple: if she didn’t remember it, it didn’t happen. Not that she might have forgotten it…that was not possible. She was absolute in this—if she didn’t remember it, it never happened. And you can be assured that, like Sam Vaknin, she never forgot anything that might lead her to N-supply!Now this could be applied in a lot of ways—she could forget her own words and deeds or the words and deeds of others, or she could “misremember” her own words and deeds as well as those of others. Any way you sliced it, she was entirely confident of her memory, so when it came to a difference between her memory of an event and yours, you were inevitably wrong…even when you were objectively right. And if she said it didn’t happen and you insisted that it did, well, you were just setting yourself up for a world of hurt."
- Being There: Narcissism and Selective Memory By: Dr. Sam Vaknin
- Narcissist's Selective Memory: It's All About Narcissistic Supply! uploaded by Sam Vaknin
- "Selective amnesia is a type of amnesia in which the victim loses certain parts of his/her memory. Common elements that may be forgotten: relationships, special talents (e.g.: juggling, whistling, instrumental talents, etc.), where he/she lives, abilities in certain areas (e.g.: a new gymnast forgetting she cannot cartwheel yet), and events such as concerts, shows, or traumatic events (e.g.: a death/suicide of a loved one or attempt on one's own life)." - Wikipedia
Tunnel vision
- "Tunnel Vision - The habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities." - Out of the FOG
- THE STRATEGIC RISK OF TUNNEL VISION @ Corporate Compliance Insight
- The Strategic Risk of Tunnel Vision @ Corporate Compliance Insight - misaligned incentives,groupthink,narcissistic leader
- When Vision Becomes Tunnel Vision | Psychology Today @Psychology Today - "Of course, there are reasons that we aren't looking at the big picture. Many of them boil down to fear. "What if I leave this relationship and I'm alone forever?" "What if I open this piece of mail and find out that I owe more money then I have in the bank?" "What if I take this day-job and I never get to work professionally in the job of my dreams?" Our response to these fears can be "No thanks, I'll stay here in the tunnel, where it feels safe." And then we clamp down, even harder."
- "Tunnel Vision - The habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities." - Out of the FOG
- "A parent is so afraid of their child getting sick they don’t allow them to play with friends. A spouse spends the monthly budget on a personal item so they can feel good about themselves. A spouse has an affair to overcome feelings of being unattractive. A colleague sabotages a project because they are afraid others will get more credit than them. A person ends a friendship because the other person violates their unspoken boundary. A single mother is so consumed with a relationship she neglects to regularly feed the children. A man becomes violent whenever he feels disrespected." - Out of the FOG
- Understanding Stress - Part 5: Tunnel Vision - Situational Awareness Matters!™ - "When you are suffering from tunneled senses your situational awareness is vulnerable because you are likely to miss important clues and cues. Many things happen in the peripheral vision that will be lost when vision is tunneled. When hearing is tunneled, you can miss hearing other things happening around you. The fixation on a single conversation or a single sound prevents you from hearing other things."
Gaslighting
- @Wikipedia - "Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a victim is manipulated into doubting their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim"
- 121 Things Narcissists Say During Gaslighting (How to Tell If You're Dealing With a Narcissist) uploaded by Angie Atkinson - "I'm not trying to change you....You're being sensitive...You're being irrational... You need help...You need to learn to communicate better...I used to think you were a good person...."
- Gaslighting: The Mind Game Everyone should Know About. @ elephant journal - "Eventually the victim will become so unsure of what reality looks like that they become completely dependent on their abuser. The abuser will appear to the victim to be the only one to have a clear grip of their mind and also of what is going on around them.The abuser will systematically and frequently withhold information and then deliberately alter facts to disorientate their victim....The abuser will not want anyone to figure out their game, so, they will work hard to make sure their victim becomes alienated from anyone who could offer support."
- Gaslighting in Domestic Abuse @ Abuse and Relationships - "Gaslighting happens mostly commonly when a survivor senses or perceives something about the primary aggressor that he does not not want to admit. When the survivors brings this up, the primary aggressor denies what the survivor is actually perceiving or sensing. This is more than just disagreeing--by tone and innuendo, or even outright, the perceptions are labeled improbable or crazy."
- definition of gaslighting @ Brown’s Dictionary of Relationship Terms - "Example 1: If an abusive person says hurtful things and makes you cry, and then, instead of apologizing and taking responsibility, starts recommending treatments for what he or she calls “your depression” or “your mood swings”, you are in the presence of a gaslighter. Example 2: If someone insults you or criticizes you, and then pretends it was a joke and asks “Don’t you have a sense of humor?”, that’s gaslighting. "
- Red Flag of a Narcissist #26: Gas Lighting uploaded by Thrive After Abuse - "Gas lighting is a manipulation technique where a Narcissist tells their victim half truths (or outright lies) in order to get them to question their sanity, and ultimately rely on the Narcissist to tell them what's true. "
- What is Gaslighting? uploaded by Dantalion Jones
- Narcissism Gaslighting uploaded by Narcissism Survivor
- What is Gaslighting & Why is it so Dangerous uploaded by Kristin Snowden
- Gaslighting = Subtle Psychological Abuse - Narcissism in Society uploaded by Fight Narcissism - "Asking someone to ignore their own experiences and knowledge in favor of some imposed "truth" is psychological abuse."
- The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life: Dr. Robin Stern - "Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time....Turn up your Gaslight Radar, so you know when a relationship is headed for trouble"
- Gas lighting: Mental Manipulation to the Extreme @ EmpowHER - "Stern also defines gaslighting in another way in a Huffington Post article: “Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another's reality, by telling them that what they are experiencing isn't so and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person.”
The history of gaslighting, from films to psychoanalysis to politics. @ Slate - "A match struck; a metaphor flickered to life. Gas Light reminded viewers how uniquely terrifying it can be to mistrust the evidence of your senses. Flame made an evocative figure for Paula’s consciousness—her sense of self guttering when Gregory insisted she hadn’t seen what she saw.Today to gaslight means to overwrite someone’s reality, to manipulate her into believing she’s imagining things. Remember the traveling salesman who bade the common folk marvel at the glamorous weeds of their naked emperor? (If they couldn’t see the clothes, it had to be their fault—they were bad at their jobs.) Prototypical gaslighter. The term can attach to anything surreal enough to make you question your sanity," - Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why @ Counselling Source - "Gaslighting is particularly effective when coupled with other tactics such as shaming and guilting. Anything that aids in getting another person to doubt their judgment and back down will work. Gaslighting is just one of the many weapons in the arsenal of personalities hell-bent on having their way, even if it means doing so by subtle and covert means of conning others."
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline : What is Gaslighting? - "This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship."
- You’re Not Going Crazy: How “Gaslighting” Erodes Your Sanity @ LonerWolf - "Discrediting you by making other people think that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable....Minimizing. By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?"
- You’re Not Going Crazy: How “Gaslighting” Erodes Your Sanity @ LonerWolf - "Discrediting you by making other people think that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable. Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness, and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you “have it all wrong.” Therefore, eventually you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of past events.Changing the subject. The gaslighter may divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually directed at your thoughts, e.g. “You’re imagining things—that never happened!” “No, you’re wrong, you didn’t remember right.” “Is that another crazy idea you got from your (family member/friend)?”Minimizing. By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?” Denial and avoidance. By refusing to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to doubt yourself more and more. For example, “I don’t remember that, you must have dreamt it!” “You’re lying, I never said that.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re changing the subject.” Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their favour, they can cause you to second-guess yourself—especially when paired with fake compassion, making you feel as though you are “unstable,” “irrational,” and so forth. For example, “I didn’t say that, I said _____” “I didn’t beat you up Johnny, I just gave you a smack around the head—that’s what all good fathers do.” “If you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you.”"
"Not My Fault" Syndrome
- "Not My Fault" Syndrome - The practice of avoiding personal responsibility for one's own words and actions." - Out of the FOG
External control (Locus of control)
- "Believing that everything that occurs is due to luck or fate so that you don't take responsibility." - Excel At Life
- External Locus of Control By Renée Grinnell @ PsychCentral - "The belief that events in one’s life......caused by uncontrollable factors such as.... other people, or a higher power."
- @ Alley Dog - "This strategy can be healthy sometimes. Like when dealing with failure or disaster..."
- External Locus of Control@ Encyclopedia of Psychology - “The belief that events in one’s life, whether good or bad, are caused by uncontrollable factors such as the environment, other people, or a higher power.”
- Definition @ Psychology Dictionary - “The belief that one's experience and behaviour are determined by luck, circumstances, other people and external factors. Compare internal control.”
- External Locus of Control definition@ alleydog.com - “A person with an external locus of control is more likely to believe that his or her fate is determined by chance or outside forces that are beyond their own personal control.”
Actor–observer asymmetry
- @Wikipedia - “Actor–observer asymmetry (also actor–observer bias) explains the errors that one makes when forming attributions about the behavior of others (Jones & Nisbett 1971). When people judge their own behavior, and they are the actor, they are more likely to attribute their actions to the particular situation than to a generalization about their personality. Yet when an observer is explaining the behavior of another person (the actor), they are more likely to attribute this behavior to the actors’ overall disposition rather than to situational factors.”The Actor- Observer Bias @ PsychWiki - A Collaborative Psychology Wiki - “Actors are more likely to use external reasoning because of several cognitive functionings. Firstly, because actors are not able to observe their own behavior directly, they emphasize the importance of the situation in the reasoning behind their actions (Storms, 1973). Because of the observer’s ability to directly watch the behavior of the other person, they are not as influenced by situational factors. Storm concocted a study in which the actors were shown a videotape of their behavior in a situation. Now the actors were able to judge their own behavior from an outside perspective as well. With the introduction of this variable, actors actually made fewer situational (external) attributions than observers (Storms, 1973).”
- Actor–observer Asymmetry @ Liquisearch - “Actor-observer asymmetry (also actor-observer bias) explains the errors that one makes when forming attributions about behavior (Jones & Nisbett, 1971). When a person judges their own behavior, and they are the actor, they are more likely to attribute their actions to the particular situation than to a generalization about their personality. Yet when a person is attributing the behavior of another person, thus acting as the observer; they are more likely to attribute this behavior to the person’s overall disposition than as a result of situational factors.”
- The actor–observer asymmetry @ Mindful Hacker - “When you realize that you are in an observer’s position and about to judge and eventually take a decision, you should not be satisfied with the information available. As you may have noticed, observing is insufficient to get an opinion, even if one is aware of the bias. Failing testing it yourself (and you can’t start a business as a test in the same way you can attend a single martial art class), the only solution is to ask questions of the actors. Those who have experience in the field or are in the situation. Do not just question one of them. The more people you question, the more relevant your information.”
- Actor/Observer Difference @ Changing Minds - “We tend to see other people’s behaviors as being caused by their personal disposition, whilst perceiving our own actions as due to situational factors.We also tend to see ourselves as being less stable and predictable, whilst others are assumed to be more one-dimensional, with less possible behaviors.This can be due to the fact that we have far more consistency and distinctiveness data about ourselves than observers have (see Covariation Model). That is, we know better how and why our behavior varies between different situations. People watching us have to guess.”
- Flying The Backside: Actor Observer Asymmetry @ Mr Know It All - “As obvious as it sounds, it’s difficult to avoid errors you don’t think you’re likely to make. “
- A Brilliant Explanation of the Actor-observer Bias in Psychology @Buzzle - “As we are not able to observe our behavior directly, we cannot make internal attributions about our own behavior. Therefore, we focus on the situation (external/environmental factor) as the reason of our behavior.”
- Actor-Observer Asymmetries (SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY) @ iResearchNet - “This difference in explanations is typically described as one between observers citing person causes—causes that reside in the actor (the student didn’t study or lacks ability)—and the actor citing situation causes—causes that lie outside the actor (the exam was hard or the teacher graded harshly).”
- Actor–observer asymmetry @ Ritu, Inc. - “The specific hypothesis of an actor-observer asymmetry in attribution (explanations of behavior) was originally proposed by Jones and Nisbett (1971), when they claimed that “actors tend to attribute the causes of their behavior to stimuli inherent in the situation, while observers tend to attribute behavior to stable dispositions of the actor” (p. 93).”
Correspondence bias
- Correspondence Bias @ Changing Minds - “There are four main reasons for this correspondence bias:Lack of awareness. If you do not know that a person is being threatened, then you are far more likely to assume they have a nervous disposition. This can easily happen when the situation is not physically apparent, such as when a person is in the first day of a new job.Unrealistic expectations. If I believe that a teacher is all-knowing, then I expect their first lesson to be as good as their hundredth. Likewise if they have just taught a lesson that bombed. Even if am aware of these factors, I expect them to perform consistently.Inflated categorization. My expectations of the teacher are made worse if I expect all teachers to be equally competent. Likewise, if I categorize all questions as showing that you don't know things, then I might assume that when the teacher asks the student questions it is because the teacher does not know the answer.Incomplete corrections. I can further infer incorrectly about the teachers questions, such as that they are asking the wrong questions and hence do no understand their subject.
- What is the Correspondence Bias? Uploaded by Daniel @ Youtube
- @Less Wrong Wiki - “Correspondence bias (also known as the fundamental attribution error) is the tendency to overestimate the the contribution of lasting traits and dispositions in determining people's behavior, as compared to situational effects”
- Correspondence Bias @ Less Wrong - “We tend to see far too direct a correspondence between others' actions and personalities. When we see someone else kick a vending machine for no visible reason, we assume they are "an angry person". But when you yourself kick the vending machine, it's because the bus was late, the train was early, your report is overdue, and now the damned vending machine has eaten your lunch money for the second day in a row. Surely, you think to yourself, anyone would kick the vending machine, in that situation.”
- The Fundamental Attribution Error @ PsychWiki - “The fundamental attribution error, also called the correspondence bias, describes the tendency for observer’s to attribute other people’s behavior to internal or dispositional factors and to downplay situational causes (Gilbert & Malone, 1995)...This inclination to over exaggerate the influence of behavior, personality traits, motives, etc. and underestimate the power of external factors in a given situation is known as the fundamental attribution error or FAE (Amabile, Ross, and Steinmetz, 1977). The fundamental attribution error has been studied and observed in real-life situations as well as psychology experiments. Researchers have determined a few explanations for the occurrence of the FAE however, its causes and consequences remain poorly understood (Gilbert & Malone, 1995).”
- Correspondence Bias (SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY) @ iResearchNet - “The term correspondence bias describes perceivers’ tendency to infer stable personality characteristics from other people’s behavior even when this behavior was caused by situational factors. For example, students may infer a high level of dispositional (trait) anxiety from a fellow student’s nervous behavior during a class presentation, even though such nervous behavior may simply be the result of the anxiety-provoking situation. “
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Self-justification
- Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her) by Bryan Reeves - "I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less."
- 11 Reasons Why You Must Never Cheat On Your Husband @witty feed - 1. One night, at the bar away from home and kids 2. She hit the bar that she loved. 3. However, the last time she went out changed her way of thinking answers to those questions.4. Her response: Well yes, he is my best friend.6. Forever, my husband is my best friend.7. He couldn't possibly know the words of the song we made up about our old dog.8. That man wasn't there to help us out, to feed our family when we were starving.9. He certainly didn't ...10. The guys who ask, "Are you happy?" are asking about now.11. Marriage isn't a "now" thing. It's a continuum.
- "are you sure you have the balls to see her with another man?..."
- The Ugly Truth: If You Cheat On Someone, You Do Not Love That Person @ Elite Daily - "Full disclosure: This article is kind of personal and very preachy. If you are a person who has cheated on someone and still believes you love that person, you're about to have your ass handed to you."
- "Flirting while in a relationship is highly disrespectful & while it may seem harmless, it can be very hurtful to the person that loves you."
- [Pic:] Nothing is sexier than a man or a woman who can face temptation and have the level of maturity to say 'this isn't worth losing what I have."
- "I'm beginning to fall for another person.. my girl's just too plain...That's life - full of temptations but don't be deceived by those things because didn't you realize that there are people who are also greater than you? Yet, she chose you."
Beyonce's flowchart of getting hurt and being cheated on.
- Beyoncé Got It Right: Cheating's Emotional Fallout Gushes from 'Lemonade'
- 20 Quotes & Moments From Beyoncé's "Lemonade" That Had Us Gasping, Cheering & In Tears | The Young, Black, and Fabulous®
- "Intuition, Denial, Anger, Apathy, Emptiness, Accountability, Forgiveness, Hope, Redemption. " - 20 Quotes & Moments From Beyoncé's "Lemonade" That Had Us Gasping, Cheering & In Tears | The Young, Black, and Fabulous®
Sense of Entitlement
- Psychological Entitlement (SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY) @ iResearchNet - “In romantic relationships, psychological entitlement is also related to many negative consequences. Individuals who have high levels of psychological entitlement report responding more negatively to conflict in the relationships, being less empathic, less respectful, and less willing to take their partners’ perspective. They also report being more selfish and more game-playing.”
- Sense of Entitlement by Beverly Smallwood @ The Sideroad - “We expect young children to want what they want when they want it. But it doesn't stop there."Everybody else is...""They all have..." "If you really loved me..."
- The Entitled and The Narcissist @ Psygrammer - Feel entitled to the best resources.Feel entitled to choose what they work on, when they work on it and how to do it.Feel their time is more valuable than others’. Feel entitled to ignore the norms or their team. Expect praise and admiration irrespective of their overall performance.Avid self-promotors and charming when selling themselves.Defensive or even ruthless when their entitled status or reputation is threatened.
- "Sense of Entitlement - An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others." - Out of the FOG
- 16 Signs You Have A Sense Of Entitlement Complex @ Loner Wolf - "1.You impose unrealistic demands onto your family, children, friends, acquaintances, lovers, employees, and/or employers. 2. You tend to feel sorry for yourself if things don't work out the way you wanted (self-pity), and openly advertise this in melodramatic, attention-seeking ways. 11. You have a hard time negotiating or compromising.16. You like to assert your dominance or superiority over other people, finding it second nature."
- *I Deserve the Best: Entitlement in Narcissists by Randi Kroger @ Psychology Today
- Seven Emotions That Follow a Sense of Entitlement @ Tim Elmore - Anger. Impatient Cynicism. Resentment.Criticism. Ingratitude.Disappointment
MICROMANAGEMENT /CONTROLING
Controlling / control issues
Micromanagement
- "micromanagement as "manage[ment] especially with excessive control or attention on details".Dictionary.com defines micromanagement as "manage[ment] or control with excessive attention to minor details".[4] The online dictionary Encarta defined micromanagement as "atten[tion] to small details in management: control [of] a person or a situation by paying extreme attention to small details".The notion of micromanagement can be extended to any social context where one person takes a bully approach, in the level of control and influence over the members of a group, such as giving Howard a black eye for not working his priority leads. Often, this excessive obsession with the most minute of details causes a direct management failure in the ability to focus on the major details." - Wikipedia
- EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS AND THE MICROMANAGER by midage62 - "I have been in emotionally abusive relationships, I’ve been told I was stupid, that I didn’t deserve the affection that I needed, and so forth and so on. And in that same vein, I was told early on that I didn’t deserve a raise because there were some issues with my performance and behavior (I had just received an excellent yearly review) all the way to my last day at work when I was told ‘I was a detriment to the organization.’ And unfortunately for me, having a supervisor that is a micromanager and emotionally abusive further ramped up my depression and anxiety and left me an emotional mess almost 6 months later. "
- Micromanaging Every Move: Inside a Controlling Relationship @Psychology Today - "An abuser might restrict his partner’s food and activities and come up with a detailed schedule of what she should do with her time. He (or she)* might govern how his partner expresses her emotions, what she watches on television, and which sites she visits on the Internet."
- Micromanaging Every Move: Inside a Coercive Control Relationship - "Controlling people often micromanage their partners' everyday life -- restricting their activities and planning their time with a detailed schedule. Abusers try to govern how their partners express emotions, what they watch on television, and which sites they visits on the Internet. An abuser might require his partner to stop talking to the cat, to sleep on her back, and to fold her clothes a certain way. Each day, he might decide what clothes she will wear and require rituals related to hygiene, exercise, or beauty. He may say he is doing all this because he "cares about her" and "wants her to be her best." Implied in each one of the demands is the assertion, "If you do not do what I say, I will punish you." That punishment could come in the form of insults, "the silent treatment," or even physical violence. People who are victimized are forced to comply with their partners' wishes to avoid uncomfortable or dangerous conflicts. This submission reduces conflict in the short term but contributes to a victim's long-term isolation and sense of being smothered."
- ATTENTION HELICOPTER WIVES: STOP MICROMANAGING YOUR MAN...OR ELSE
- How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship @ Wikihow
- Tell tale signs, is your partner is too controlling? @ The Couple Connection - “Regularly put you down in front of others.Shout at you.Act badly around people you are close to so you avoid seeing them.Belittle you when you have good news.Blame you for their behaviour.Treat you more like a possession that a person.Get very jealous or possessive.Control where you go and who you see.Stop you seeing family and friends.Control things like money, phone or car.Check up on you.”
- 5 Controlling And Manipulative Relationship Signs To Watch Out For, Because Love Isn't Supposed To Feel Restrictive @ Bustle - 1. You Feel Guilty When You Spend Time With Your Friends.2. They Criticize Lots Of Small Things That You Do.3. They Don't Trust You.4. They Spend A Lot Of Time Talking About Protecting You.5. They Make You Question Your Sanity
- Controlling Behaviour @ lwa.org.uk - “Not allowing their partner to go out.Forbidding contact with friends and family.Controlling what they wear.Controlling what they eat.Constant texting and calling.Constantly checking on where the victim is, what they are doing and who they are with Making all the plans without discussion”
- 12 Signs Someone Is Manipulating and Controlling You @ Charisma News - 1. The controlling person you are in close relationship with doesn't allow you to prove your point when in disagreement.2. The controlling person manipulates you with temper tantrums and threats.3. The controlling person constantly tries to make victims feel guilty or bad about the way they treat them when the opposite is really true.4. The controlling person is always expecting more from you and is never satisfied.5. The controlling person is always questioning your motives.6. The controlling person is constantly putting you down.7. The controlling person is used to always having their way.8. The controlling person walks away from their responsibilities as a way to manipulate others.9. The controlling person finds ways to impose their will in every situation.10. The controlling person threatens to end the relationship.11. The controlling person threatens to commit suicide.12. The controlling person withholds physical affection.
- Subtly Controlling Behavior @ Abuse and Relationships - Huge list
- 20 Signs Your Partner Is Controlling @ Psychology Today
- Five Habits Of Controlling People @ Forbes
- Controlling Behaviors @ Drirene - Controlling by Defining Her Reality...Controlling by Making Her Responsible,,,Controlling by Assigning Status...Controlling by Diminishing Your Partner..”
- Controlling Partner: Warning Signs of Verbal and Physical Abuse - article by Dr. Lynne Namka - “The controlling partner… Tells you that you never do enough. Tells you that you don't do things right. Is competitive with you over small matters. Reminds you how lucky you are to have them for a partner. Gradually chips away at your self-confidence through disrespect, allowing him/her to treat you even worse in the future. Tells stories of how they have hurt others or abandoned others to frighten you. Enforces stupid and trivial demands to demonstrate his/her power. Gives the message that he/she is perfect are you are not. Isolates you from friends and family to keep you an emotional prisoner/ away from the helpful feedback of others. Makes vague or specific threats "You are going to get it." "You deserve it." Puts you down for having feelings and opinions.... Teases you in a hurtful way and then laughs and says, "Can't you take a joke?" Says things to undermine your self-confidence: "You're so fat." "You're dumb." Makes snide remarks about you in front of his/her friends or family. Ignores, apologies, covers up or cries after hurting you. This is the "Sweet and mean cycle" or "fight and make-up" to confuse and hook you back into the relationship...Forces you to give up hobbies, interests and outside interests (Like the man who was jealous of the pillow his wife slept next to.) Insists on accompanying you outside the home to keep you from having interests and fun on your own. Checks up on you often to see who you are with and what you are doing. Questions you intensely after you have been away from him/her...Tells you what to wear, eat or where to go (You can't wear that low cut blouse to take out the trash) ...Tells you that no one else would want to be with you if you leave...Rages to scare you when his or her inappropriate behavior is challenged. ...”
Alienation
- Alienation: It's not Just in Your Head @ pa - “Alienation is the process in which the personal and primary relationships become loose. Therefore, the individual finds him or herself isolated and feels that the society or group of which he or she is the member is not so much his or her own. The individual comes to believe that the group can no longer fulfill expectations and ambitions. As a social phenomenon, alienation is constituted by characteristics like powerlessness, meaninglessness, isolation and self-estrangement. These characteristics are responsible for the loss of autonomy of the individual, according to the following approaches by well-known theorists of alienation. “
- @WIkipedia - “Alienation, a sociological concept developed by several classical and contemporary theorists, is "a condition in social relationships reflected by a low degree of integration or common values and a high degree of distance or isolation between individuals, or between an individual and a group of people in a community or work environment"”
- Alienation | Definition and Patient Education @ Health Line - “Powerlessness: A person believes that his or her actions have no effect on outcomes.Meaninglessness: A person is unable understand his or her situation and doesn’t know what to believe or expect.Normlessness: A person feels disconnected from social norms or believes that social rules for behavior have broken down. This might cause the person to believe that socially unapproved behavior is necessary in order to achieve goals.Isolation: A socially isolated person puts low value on the goals and beliefs of his or her given society. Isolated and detached people may create their own value systems.Self-Estrangement: Alienated people may feel disconnected from themselves. In such cases, they may not be able to find activities that are interesting to them.”
- Alienation - Feelings, People, Society, and Feeling @ JRank Articles - “Feeling separated from society is not the only way a person experiences alienation: sometimes the individual feels alienation as disharmony with his or her true self. This condition develops when a person accepts societal expectations (to take over a family business, for example) that are counter to the person's true goals, feelings, or desires (perhaps to be a teacher). He may appear to be successful in the role others expect him to assume, but his true wish is hidden, leaving him feeling deeply conflicted and alone.”
- The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual's relationships with others." - Out of the FOG
Lack of Conscience
- "Lack of Conscience - Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders are often preoccupied with their own agendas, sometimes to the exclusion of the needs and concerns of others. This is sometimes interpreted by others as a lack of moral conscience." - Out of the FOG
- "The crucial issue is how to describe psychopaths. They are certainly self-centered and often act impulsively. They lie a great deal, and manipulate others for their personal gain. Sometimes they are violent. Often they do stupid things which lead to getting caught and often put in jail. Yet psychopaths are often charming and manipulative, which helps to explain how they regularly get early parole, and why they manage to dupe people in the first place. This leads us to the first of the central puzzles concerning this disorder: are psychopaths coldly calculating or do they rely on their instincts? The second main puzzle is how to describe their lack of conscience. What is clear is that psychopaths do not feel great sympathy for the people they hurt. But is this because they are morally bad, or alternatively is it because they have a personality or cognitive deficit? Or is this a false distinction? Can being evil simply be a matter of not being able to care for the plight of others?" - Review Without Conscience - Personality Disorders @ Metapsychology (Dot) mental help
- Narcissist-Essential Parts Missing-Conscience-Insight-Compassion - "The narcissist is an incomplete human being. He/she lives as a false self that is grandiose, extremely self entitled,deceptive and exploitive. Narcissists are deluded all of their lives and they cannot change. The narcissistic society rewards narcissists, especially those who are at high levels of power. Narcissistic elites rule by intimidation, social and business connections their extensive influence and their monetary power. Narcissist and ruthless have become synonymous terms."
- Sociopath lack of conscience, lack of remorse, guilt or shame - Compulsive pathological lying (outrageous ridiculous lies) Deception and manipulation (conning) Will remind you of your moral responsibility. Repeat back to you your morals.Will accuse you of what he is guilty of doing himself to distract youTalk at a million miles an hour, so that you do not have time to think.Have a fake sense of morality, and what you should be doing
Internal Control (Locus of control)
- What is Locus of Control? @ Wilderdom - “Locus of Control refers to an individual's perception about the underlying main causes of events in his/her life. Or, more simply:Do you believe that your destiny is controlled by yourself or by external forces (such as fate, god, or powerful others)?”
- @ Wikipedia - “Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe events in their life derive primarily from their own actions: for example, when receiving exam results, people with an internal locus of control tend to praise or blame themselves and their abilities. People with a strong external locus of control tend to praise or blame external factors such as the teacher or the exam.”
- Locus of Control @ Encyclopedia of Psychology - “The extent to which people believe they have power over events in their lives. A person with an internal locus of control believes that he or she can influence events and their outcomes, while someone with an external locus of control blames outside forces for everything.”
- Self Tests @ Psychology Today - “Our attribution style determines which forces we hold responsible for our successes and failures. Both locus of control and attribution styles have a significant impact on our motivation, expectations, self-esteem, risk-taking behavior, and even on the actual outcome of our actions. What is your locus of control? What forces are responsible for your successes and failures? Are there some areas in your life where your orientation is more internal or external than others? Find out with this test.”
- External vs Internal Control Psychology@ Meetup - “Here are three commonsense beliefs of the internal control psychology or Choice theory:First Belief: the phone rings, the doorbell rings, the light turn red and other things happens but I always have a choice in what I do and what I think in response to these situations. I can choose to ignore the phone/doorbell or disobey the red light if I want to. (Stimulus – Response theory, the emphasis on the “– “). Second Belief: The only behaviour I can control is my own. Nothing I do is caused by what happens outside of us. People may be able to “influence” but never “control” what I do, think and feel. I am the ultimate decision maker for what I do, think and feel in response to any circumstances. Similarly, I cannot control what other people do, think and feel. Only life I can control is my own and, in almost all instances, I can choose to change. Third Belief: I am the only one who knows what’s right for me. When I have a disagreement with others, I use the 7 connecting habits and talk with them to see if I can reach an agreement or collaboration which we are all satisfied with. It may take longer to reach the agreement but it gives a long lasting effect, leaves good feelings among everyone involved and strengthens my relationship with them. “
- LOC Overview @ Units - “In Weiner’s (1986) attributional analysis of motivation and emotion, the concept of controllability plays a central role in evaluative interpersonal actions. He postulates that observers’ reactions to actors who experience failure, sickness, or need for help, are largely determined by the perceived controllability of the causes of these events. Attributions of failure to controllable causes, such as lack of effort, lead to anger, punishment, and reduced willingness to help, whereas the belief that the actor has no control over the cause of the negative event, such as failure due to lack of ability, leads to pity, help-giving, and to lesser or no punishment. For example, a beggar who appears to be capable of finding work is unlikely to get many handouts because passersby will attribute his state to being lazy. However, a blind beggar is likely to get more donations because people will attribute his plight to forces beyond his control. This will lead them to pity the beggar and make them more likely to exhibit helping behavior.”
- Locus of Control Definition @ The Glossary of Education Reform - “Whether a student has an internal or external locus of control is thought to have a powerful effect on academic motivation, persistence, and achievement in school. In education, “internals” are considered more likely to work hard in order to learn, progress, and succeed, while “externals” are more likely to believe that working hard is “pointless” because someone or something else is treating them unfairly or holding them back. Students with an external locus of control may also believe that their accomplishments will not be acknowledged or their effort will not result in success.”
- Locus of Control @ Changing Minds - “A factor that affects both internal and external locus of control is the stability of the causal factor. Common attributed causes in each of the four cases are shown the table below:.Hence a person with stable internal locus of control will likely assume that failure is due to a lack of their ability, whilst a person with unstable external locus of control might say they were unlucky.”
- What Is a Locus of Control? @ Very Well - “Those with an internal locus of control:Are more likely to take responsibility for their actions.Tend to be less influenced by the opinions of other people.Often do better at tasks when they are allowed to work at their own pace.Usually have a strong sense of self-efficacy.Tend to work hard to achieve the things they want.Feel confident in the face of challenges.Tend to be physically healthier.Report being happier and more independent.Often achieve greater success in the workplace.Those with an external locus of control:Blame outside forces for their circumstances.Often credit luck or chance for any successes.Don't believe that they can change their situation through their own efforts. Frequently feel hopeless or powerless in the face of difficult situations. Are more prone to experiencing learned helplessness”
Threats
- to leave unless you.. - Go to a therapist - Take meds - Stop being so emotional - Stop being so sensitive.
- threatening to end relationship unless...
- @Out of the FOG - "Threats - Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences."
Emotional Blackmail
- 6 Warning Signs of Emotional Blackmail: Couples Counseling Tips @ Thrive Works - “Manipulating your decisions and choices by reacting negatively to the choices he or she decides isn’t what they want you to do. Intimidate you until you do what they want.Blame you for something that you didn’t do so that you feel you have to work overtime to win back their affection.Accuse you of doing something you didn’t do for the same reasons.Suffer dramatically and publicly until you agree to do what they want to make them happy.And the worst: Threaten to harm either you or themselves to get you to do (or not do) something.”
- Master Manipulators: Figuring Your Way Around Emotional Blackmail @ Be Happy 101 - “Here are some signs that you're being manipulated:When you feel an imbalance in the level of self-disclosure between you and the other person in the relationship.When you feel like you are always “on call” to assist your partner, spouse, friend, or sibling but he or she is not there for you when you are in need.When you realize that his or her needs take precedence over your own.When other friends begin to make pointed observations about the equity in your relationship with this person.”
- "Emotional blackmail and FOG, terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, are about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear, obligation and guilt ("FOG") are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled. Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate from the controlling behavior of another person, and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others" - Wikipedia
- Solutions for Emotional Blackmail @ Systemic Coaching
- Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Donna Frazier - "Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win the pay-off they want: our compliance."
- @ Out of the FOG - "Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors."
Guilt tripping
Guilt
- Guilt-tripping @ Narcissists Suck - “The manipulator knows that a fully functioning conscience has the ability to register guilt and shame. The more conscientious you are, the more effective the Guilt Trip can be on you. I have said this before, I'll say it again: the malignant narcissist uses your own conscience against you. It is a handle on your heart that they can grab at will if you don't know enough to stop them.
- 7 Hints You Might Be Suffering Emotional Abuse .@ All Women Stalk
- @ Rev. Michael Health - “Specifically, guilt tripping manipulates a person's emotions by erroneously convincing the person that not only was s/he wrong to make the choice s/he did or that s/he didn't have the right to say no or go against an expected behavior but also caused pain/harm to the person whose expectation was frustrated. “
- Abuse Tactics: Guilt Tripping @ Life on the Spectrum - “This is all about guilt-tripping you into doing what the abuser wants, including having him/her back, or not leaving, or just not sticking up for yourself. The emphasis here will be on what a loving kind person you are, and how you couldn’t possibly be cruel enough to inflict [whatever] on him/her, yourself, the children, and/or the extended family.”
- How to Deal with Manipulative Behavior and Guilt Trips @ Sky Writer
- "Skilled manipulators know the vulnerabilities of their opponents. If vanity is someone’s weakness, a seduction tactic might be the best manipulation tactic. If over-conscientiousness is their weakness, perhaps guilt-tripping would be the most effective way to gain the upper hand" - Manipulative People, but found @ Kap Lifestyle
- 7 Ways to Get Out of Guilt Trips @ Psychology Today - "1.Tell the person that you do understand how important it is for them that you do the thing they’re trying to guilt you into doing.2.Explain that their using a guilt trip to make you conform to their wishes makes you feel resentful, even if you do end up complying. 3.Tell them you're concerned that accumulating these kinds of resentments can make you feel more distant from them and that is not something you or they wish. 4.Ask them to instead express their wishes directly, to own the request themselves instead of trying to activate your conscience, and to respect your decisions when you make them (e.g., “I would love it if you had another bowl of soup. No? No problem, here’s the brisket,” or, “It would mean a lot to me if you came to your niece’s confirmation but I’ll understand if your schedule doesn’t permit it.”). 5. Explain that you will often do what they ask if they ask more directly. Admit that you might not always conform to their wishes but point out the payoff—that when you do choose to respond positively, you would do so authentically and wholeheartedly, that you would feel good about doing so, and that you would even get more out of it. 6.Be prepared to have reminder discussions and to call them on future guilt trips when they happen (and they will). Remember, it will take time for them to change such an engrained communication habit. 7.Be kind and patient throughout this process. Doing so will motivate them to make more of an effort to change than if you come at them with anger and resentment, legitimate though your feelings may be.
Intimidation
- 6 Ways A Spouse Uses Threats To Intimidat @ Aboute - “1. Not allowing you to finish a sentence.2. Verbally attacking instead of communicating.3. Uses a sincere tone to get what they want.4. Humiliating you in front of others.5. Keeps you confused about EVERYTHING.6. Makes the rules and insists you follow them.
- @Wikipedia - “Intimidation related to prejudice and discrimination may include conduct "which annoys, threatens, intimidates, alarms, or puts a person in fear of their safety...because of a belief or perception regarding such person's race, color, national origin, ancestry, gender, religion, religious practice, age, disability or sexual orientation, regardless of whether the belief or perception is correct." Intimidation may be manifested in such manner as physical contacts, glowering countenance, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, making someone feel lower than you, purposeful embarrassment and/or actual physical assault. “Behavior may include, but is not limited to, epithets, derogatory comments or slurs and lewd propositions, assault, impeding or blocking movement, offensive touching or any physical interference with normal work or movement, and visual insults, such as derogatory posters or cartoons.”
- @ Out of the FOG - "Intimidation is a form of passive aggressive threat made when someone wants to scare you in a veiled manner which is hard to challenge or hold them accountable for. The underlying message is usually some variant of 'I am stronger than you.'"
- "How does intimidation work? Intimidation is any behavior that causes you to fear for your safety. Your partner doesn't actually have to hit you. He can throw objects, break them, threaten to break them, hit things, yell, etc. Because you want to protect yourself and diffuse his anger, you agree to his terms. When there's no apparent reason for the rage, the target feels like she must have done something wrong; she cannot think of any other explanation. A narcissist usually selects targets with high levels of empathy or codependency, so when she sees him upset or angry, she goes into soothing mode and tries to appease him, be it through submission, silence, agreement to unfair terms, etc. He uses other forms of manipulation, including blame-shifting, that contribute to making her feel like it's her fault that he got so angry. Intimidation can also be used as a means of diverting the target's attention. The narcissist flies into a rage, for example, when he is asked questions that he doesn't want to answer. The rage, the reasons he gives you for it (which are not the real reasons), and the subsequent soothing become the focus, and he has successfully evaded your questions and made you forget that you even had them. " - @Lisa E Scott
- Intimidation @ Surviving After Narcissistic Abuse - “How does intimidation work? Intimidation is any behavior that causes you to fear for your safety. Your partner doesn't actually have to hit you. He can throw objects, break them, threaten to break them, hit things, yell, etc. Because you want to protect yourself and diffuse his anger, you agree to his terms. When there's no apparent reason for the rage, the target feels like she must have done something wrong; she cannot think of any other explanation. A narcissist usually selects targets with high levels of empathy or codependency, so when she sees him upset or angry, she goes into soothing mode and tries to appease him, be it through submission, silence, agreement to unfair terms, etc. He uses other forms of manipulation, including blame-shifting, that contribute to making her feel like it's her fault that he got so angry. Intimidation can also be used as a means of diverting the target's attention. The narcissist flies into a rage, for example, when he is asked questions that he doesn't want to answer. The rage, the reasons he gives you for it (which are not the real reasons), and the subsequent soothing become the focus, and he has successfully evaded your questions and made you forget that you even had them. “
- Intimidation & Control @ Lisa E. Scott - “Another example, when I found all his emails to the other woman, he came to the room and stood right next to me. When I told him I was going to forward these emails to myself as I knew he would delete them, he almost got physical with me, he screamed - "NO!" and I could tell by his body language that he wanted to grab me to prevent me from forwarding these to my self. As these emails would serve as proof of what I had discovered, and evidence in court. But I could see he stopped himself in his reaction, I saw him pull back. Now that I think about it, I ask myself "Why did he not dare to prevent me? Why did he pull back?" Well, he knows that when my father got physically violent with my Mom, I was the one who called the police, and he was taken to jail. So my ex-narcissist was aware of that history, and he knew that if he got physical with me, I had the guts to call the police on him and I was not afraid. He knew there would be severe consequences, and he was not going to stop me from calling the police. So he allowed me to forward the emails as I told him I would.”
coercion
- what is coercive control? – Cedar Network - “Fear and confusion are central to our understanding of coercive control; it is living in a world of moving goal-posts, shifting sand; it is like constantly walking on eggshells. It is a world of everyday terror.”
- 10 ways to spot coercive control @ Cosmo - “Unreasonable demands. Often followed up by threats, pressure or physical restraint if you don't agree to them.Degradation AKA malicious name–calling, or bullying behaviour. This could include buying clothes that are purposefully too small for you to 'diet' into, or constant belittling behaviour in front of your friends, designed to make you feel worthless.Restricting daily activities. Whether it's your daily jog, or meeting your family. If you feel increasingly unable to carry out your normal routine, it's usually a strong signal for concern.Threats or intimidation. If your behaviour isn't to their liking, you are threatened or intimidated into changing it. This can include sex too.Financial control. Can include constant monitoring of your spending, or giving you an 'allowance' to live off (usually when it's your own money they're controlling).Monitoring of time. Stalking your movements, unwanted contacted, or being controlling about how you spend your time is a form of coercive control.Taking your phone away. Or changing passwords to your iPad or laptop so you can't use them. This could include any form of restricting access to communication, information or services.The same goes for restricted mobility. If you're unable to leave the house, or use your car because they won't allow it. If your partner's behaviour isolates you from friends, family or colleagues, then it's important to seek help.Deprivation of food. Constantly – and purposefully – taking your food away, or limiting your allowance is controlling, abusive behaviour. Seek help.Destruction of possessions. Whether it's something valuable, or emails or text messages.”
- Author Examines Coercive Control as Form of Abuse in Relationships @ Break the Cycle - “Certainly girls and women can be bossy. But Coercive Control is not simple bossiness—it’s domination. In our society, males as a group tend to have greater access to power including greater physical strength and better paying jobs than women. Additionally, even today, girls are raised to take care of other people’s feelings and they often try to avoid being too assertive—so they won’t be called the B-word and seen as too aggressive. Boys are generally raised to get their own needs met. There’s not much research on Coercive Control, but the research that does exist shows that teen girls are much more likely to feel threatened and trapped by their controlling partners than boys. When teen boys feel overly controlled by their partner, they are more likely to escape the relationship. Additionally, boys and men are much more likely to use physical and sexual violence against their female partners than the reverse. Coercive Control is absolutely a problem that affects more females than males, although people of all genders and sexual orientations can be victims or victimizers.”
- Understanding Domestic Abusers: Coercive Controlling Violence @ NYS OPDV - Unreasonable and non-negotiable demands....Restricting daily activities....Coercion – a combination of demands, threats of negative consequences for noncompliance, and surveillance.Manipulation through minimization, denial, lies, promises, etc.Stifling the partner’s independence.Controlling partner’s access to information and services....Deprivation of liberty, equality and personhood;10 treating their partner and children as objects...Punishing the partner and children for infractions (and imaginary infractions) of their rules.Ignoring their partner’s needs, opinions and feelings, and the harm that their behavior does to her/him.
- Basic Coercion @ Abuse and relationships - “The expression "My way or the highway!" touches on basic coercion, but in most abusive relationships, 'the highway' is a bluff and leaving is not really allowed. Basic coercion is easily distinguishable from setting boundaries. There are two aspects of basic coercion worth discussing a bit further: pressure release, and threatening to leave.”
- Coercive control: How can you tell whether your partner is emotionally abusive? @ Telegraph - 1) It’s more than just one argument.2) An abuser wants to scare their victim.3) The small things count.4) A one-way street.5) Nothing ever happened.6) Unhappiness doesn't matter.7) Controlling in many ways.8) Personal attacks
- With Coercive Control, the Abuse Is Psychological @ The New York Times - ““The number of abusive behaviors don’t matter so much as the degree,” said Dr. Fontes, the author of “Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.’One woman told me her husband didn’t want her to sleep on her back. She had to pack the shopping cart a certain way, wear her clothes a certain way, wash herself in the shower in a certain order.’”
- What is Coercive Control? @ DomesticShelters - “Coercive control is about domination—not simply bossiness. Even in healthy couples, one person may control certain areas of their life together. For instance, one may be in charge of what they eat and their social life, while the other manages the finances. As long as neither person is completely silenced in any area—this kind of arrangement may work fine. The problem is when one member of the couple dominates in many or all spheres, and the partner does not feel free to speak her mind.”
- Coercion @ Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy - “The concept of coercion has two different faces, corresponding to the two parties involved in its most ordinary cases. On one face, it picks out a technique agents (coercers) can use to get other agents to do or not do something. On the other face, it picks out a kind of reason for why agents (coercees) sometimes do or refrain from doing something. Coercion is typically thought to carry with it several important implications, including that it diminishes the targeted agent's freedom and responsibility, and that it is a (pro tanto) wrong and/or violation of right. Nonetheless, few believe that it is always unjustified, since it seems that no society could function without some authorized uses of coercion. It helps keep the bloody minded and recalcitrant from harming others, and seems also to be an indispensable technique in the rearing of children. A state's legitimacy and sovereignty is sometimes thought to depend on its ability to use coercion effectively and to monopolize its use within its territory against competitors, both internal and external.”
- Biderman's Chart of Coercion
- Coercion @ Wikipedia - “Coercion /koʊˈɜːrʃən/ is the practice of forcing another party to act in an involuntary manner by use of intimidation or threats or some other form of pressure or force.[1] It involves a set of various types of forceful actions that violate the free will of an individual to induce a desired response, for example: a bully demanding lunch money to a student or the student gets beaten. These actions can include, but are not limited to, extortion, blackmail, torture, and threats to induce favors. In law, coercion is codified as a duress crime. Such actions are used as leverage, to force the victim to act in a way contrary to their own interests. Coercion may involve the actual infliction of physical pain/injury or psychological harm in order to enhance the credibility of a threat. The threat of further harm may lead to the cooperation or obedience of the person being coerced.”
- Coercive Power @ Beyond Intractability - “Coercion can take many forms. I may prevent you from doing something you wish to do, by withholding some resources or by physically constraining you. For example, the modern state imprisons those who do not act in accordance with its legal mandates. In other cases, I may push you into a behavior in which you would otherwise not engage. For example, parents may use a variety of strategies for getting a resistant child to go to school, including physically taking the child to the school building. As another example, the majority of nations of the world joined in a boycott of Iraqi oil, in the hope of forcing the Iraqi government to honor the peace agreement that ended the 1991 Gulf War.”
It is reminiscent of an authoritative parenting style.
Authoritarian Parents
- A Description of the Characteristics of Authoritarian Parents | Motherhood @ ModernMom - “Authoritarian parents are known for being strict. They lay out rules and expect their children to follow them without question, even if the child has a valid reason for questioning a decision. They establish many rules for the household and leave little to no room for negotiation on policies. Authoritarian parents also fail to explain why the rules exist because they believe that, as the parent, they are the authority on all decisions and shouldn’t be questioned.”
- @ Alley Dog - “Authoritarian Parenting is a restrictive style that emphasizes respect for work and effort. This style of parenting allows for little discussion or explanation of the firm controls placed on the child”
- The authoritarian parenting style: A guide for the science-minded @Parenting Science - “1. Warmth, also known as “responsiveness." This quality is defined as “the extent to which parents intentionally foster individuality, self-regulation, and self-assertion by being attuned, supportive, and acquiescent to children’s special needs and demands" (Baumrind 1991).2. Control, also known as “demandingness." This refers to “ the claims parents make on children to become integrated into the family whole, by their maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys" (Baumrind 1991)...Authoritarian parents how high levels of control, but only low levels of warmth.”
- Authoritarian Parenting Style And Its Effects @ The Positive Parenting - “Open communication is generally not an option in this type of parenting style.Authoritarian parents feel they are the boss and their children should conform to the their demands without question.The rules are expected to be adhered to with no room for negotiation. The consequence of breaking a rule is absolute punishment.”
- Authoritarian Parenting: Is It Your Way or the Highway? @ Care.com Community - You Have Strict Rules And Expectations.You Utilize Punishment With Little to no Explanation.You Rarely Offer Kids Choices or Options.Demonstrate Limited Warmth or Nurturing
- Parenting Style: Authoritarian Parenting @ Parents
- What Is Authoritarian Parenting?@ Very Well - “Tend to associate obedience and success with love.Often have lower self-esteem.Have difficulty in social situations due to a lack of social competence.Children raised by authoritarian parents tend to conform easily, yet may also suffer from depression and anxiety.”
Authoritarian personality
- Dispositional Explanation for Obedience: Authoritarian personality @ tutor2u - “Elms and Milgram found that the obedient participants scored higher on the F scale, in comparison to disobedient participants. In addition, the results also revealed that obedient participants were less close to their fathers during childhood [all of the participants in Milgram’s original experiment were male] and admired the experimenter in Milgram’s experiment, which was the opposite for disobedient participants. Elms and Milgram concluded that the obedient participants in his original research displayed higher levels of the authoritarian personality, in comparison to disobedient participants.”
- Conformity Behavior and the “Authoritarian Personality”: The Journal of Social Psychology: Vol 53, No 1
- Authoritarian personality uploaded by Audiopedia
- Authoritarian Personality (SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY) @ iResearchNet - “The authoritarian personality is thought to emerge from childhood experiences. This reasoning comes from Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory. Freud suggested that childhood experiences, especially those with parents, lead to people’s attitudes as adults. For example, if children have a very strict authoritarian parent, they will learn to suppress thoughts, feelings, and actions which might be considered immoral (e.g., aggression or sex drive). Later, because the child learned not to act on certain urges, the urges are projected onto other “weaker” people, often minorities. This results in the negative attitudes that authoritarian people carry regarding other groups. Again, the projection of internal suppressed urges onto others suggests that the prejudice is due to the individual’s personality, not to traits of the oppressed group.”
Traits of authoritarian personalities. @ The Prime Directive - “Examples: an egalitarian person who truly values one-person-one-vote, equal rights, equal opportunities, and freedom of speech will support a democracy, not a dictatorship. A person who says, “I love my country – right or wrong” or “America – love it or leave it” may be a flag-waving, patriotic speech-making politician who is secretly an antidemocratic authoritarian (similar in some ways to Hitler).”
Characteristics of the Authoritarian Personality (Horkheimer and Adorno) @Sociology 319 - “Conventionalism. Rigid adherence to conventional, middle class attitudes.Authoritarian Submission. Submissive, uncritical attitude toward idealized moral authorities of the ingroup.Authoritarian Aggression. Tendency to be on the lookout for, and to condemn, reject, and punish people who violate conventional values.Anti-intraception. Opposition to the subjective, the imaginative, the tenderminded.
Superstitions and Stereotyty. The belief in mystical determinants of the individual’s fate; the disposition to think in rigid categories.Power and ‘Toughness’. Preoccupation with the dominance-submission, strong-weak, leader-follower dimension; identification with power figures; overemphasis upon the conventionalized attributes of the ego; exaggerated assertion of strength and t oughness.Destruction and Cynicism. Generalized hostility, vilification of the human.Projectivity. The disposition to believe that wild and dangerous things go on in the world; the projection outwards of unconscious emotional impulses.Sex. Exaggerated concern with sexual ‘goings-on.’”
Authoritarian Personality - Influence & Personality Psychology @ Psychologist World - “People can be divided into two distinct classes - the weak and the strong.Some people are born with the urge to jump from high places.No weakness or difficulty can hold us back if we have enough willpower.Most of our social problems would be solved if we could somehow get rid of the immoral, crooked and feeble-minded people.”
How to Recognize the Authoritarian Personality @ eHow - “Look for clues that reveal respect for authority, a need for routine and a practical, logical worldview. Someone who says, for example, that he takes his clothes to the dry cleaner every Friday night and expresses suspicion of outlandish, fanciful theories might well have an authoritarian personality.”
Authoritarian Personality @- Oxford Bibliographies - “One of the central insights of this theoretical perspective, which has received a great deal of empirical support, is that “a man who is hostile toward one minority group is very likely to be hostile against a wide variety of others” (Adorno, et al. 1950, p. 9). In other words, the authoritarian is an individual for whom generalized prejudice has become a structured aspect of his or her personality.” - @ Wikipedia -“Authoritarian personality is a state of mind or attitude characterized by belief in absolute obedience or submission to one's own authority, as well as the administration of that belief through the oppression of one's subordinates. It usually applies to individuals who are known or viewed as having an authoritative, strict, or oppressive personality towards subordinates.”
- The Mind of the Authoritarian @ Psychology Today - “Authoritarians are nearly always ethnocentric in that they have a certain, simple and unshakable belief in the superiority of their own racial, cultural and ethnic group with a powerful disclaim for all those in other groups. This can easily lead to brutality, aggression and naked open prejudice.”
- The Authoritarian Personality by Erich Fromm 1957 - “ Usually, only the objects differ. We all have heard of the family tyrant, who treats his wife and children in an sadistic manner but when he faces his superior in the office he becomes the submissive employee. “
- “Personality characterized by extreme obedience to, and dependence on, a powerful leader or father figure. These traits are accompanied by prejudicial, rigid, and tyrannical behavior against others, especially those who are inferior in rank, or vulnerable or weaker.”- Business Dictionary
title 2
phubbing :"snubbing people for your phone"
Peers,listening to others, broadcasting to social media,Texting,etc.
- If you’re going through a very bad heartbreak/breakup and you feel like getting everything out…don’t text the other person because you’ll regret it later. Trust me, I’ve been there. Also, don’t post any details on social media -I’m guilty of this! It’s extremely embarrassing and who’s going to care anyway…right? My advice is to just write letters to that person but never send them or show them. It’ll make you feel better, I promise. You’ll be okay" - Black and white like the 50s
- "Let me love who I love and learn from my mistakes. Let me live my life & you live yours. Stop judging my relationship because yours failed tremendously." -Wuzzam Supa
- "are you sure you have the balls to see her with another man?..."
- How Texting Mind Games Will Ruin Your Life uploaded by CollegeHumor
Proxy Recruitment
- A woman asks a marriage therapist to talk to her husband about his "problems with infidelity".A mother seeks support from siblings, her spouse, friends and neighbors over her daughter's "behavior problems" A teenager falsely tells his sister that other people are critical of her. A teenager who files a false police report about one of her parents abusing her.A mother who falsely tells a doctor that her child has symptoms of an illness (also known as Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome). A leader or manager in an organization who directs his subordinates to ostracize one of their colleagues. - This I know
- Proxy Recruitment - A way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing “doing the dirty work” - Out of the FOG
- "If all else fails, the abuser recruGeek Feminism Wiki
Triangulation
- "Triangulation is a situation in which one family member will not communicate directly with another family member, but will communicate with a third family member, which can lead to the third family member becoming part of the triangle. The concept originated in the study of dysfunctional family systems, but can describe behaviors in other systems as well, including work.Triangulation can also be a form of "splitting" in which one person plays the third family member against one that he or she is upset about. This is playing the two people against each other, but usually the person doing the splitting will also engage in character assassination, only with both parties." - Wikipedia
- The Art of Triangulation @ Psychology Today
- Psychological Triangulation @ Lightshouse
- Venting and Triangulation @ So what I really Meant
Smear Campaign
- "A smear campaign, smear tactic or simply smear is a negative political tactic that launches an unfair or untrue political attack on an opposing candidate in order to undermine their political position and sway the opinions of the voters and gain support. It employs the logical technique of conflation in which separate concepts, identities, or reputations of individual or groups are combined into one word or concept, losing individual meanings and differences as in swiftboating. Sometimes the use of the term "smear campaign" is used more generally to include any organized reputation-damaging activity by a group." - Wikipedia
- @ Sociopath Hell
- Smear Campaigns, Part 1
- The Smear Campaign of the Abuser @ MSN - Aimoo
Blaming/Victim BLaming
- "Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem." - Out of the FOG
- AVOIDING VICTIM BLAMING @ Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness
- @Abuse & Relationships - "Talking about all the things done for the survivor, which at a minimum blames the other for being ungrateful and exploitative. It is like an attempt to obligate the other person to respond the way the primary aggressor wants, which is controlling. Insisting that interpersonal conflict has a “right” and a “wrong” to it, and explaining in a pressured way how one is right. This is an attempt to make any difference or disagreement into an injury against the primary aggressor.Feeling and acting entitled. If done well enough, the survivor’s not giving what is wanted starts to look like an injury to the primary aggressor."
- Victim Blaming @ Abuse & Relationships - "Confusion of submission with consent. This is discussed elsewhere on this site....." The effects of abuse (confusion, low self-esteem, bitterness, lessened sensitivity to danger, etc..(many more)) are erroneously attributed to the survivor as personal characteristics that lead her to "choose" the abusive situation."
- Accusing and Blaming @ Verbal Abuse Journals
Scapegoating
- "Scapegoating (from the verb "to scapegoat") is the practice of singling out any party for unmerited negative treatment or blame as a scapegoat. Scapegoating may be conducted by individuals against individuals (e.g. "he did it, not me!"), individuals against groups (e.g., "I couldn't see anything because of all the tall people"), groups against individuals (e.g., "Jane was the reason our team didn't win"), and groups against groups." - Wikipedia
- "A scapegoat is a person or animal which takes on the sins of others, or is unfairly blamed for problems. The concept comes originally from Leviticus, in which a goat is designated to be cast into the desert with the sins of the community. Other ancient societies had similar practices. In psychology and sociology, the practice of selecting someone as a scapegoat has led to the concept of scapegoating." - Wikipedia
- The Psychology of Scapegoating by Neel Burton @ Psychology Today - "The ego defence of displacement plays a role in scapegoating, in which uncomfortable feelings such as anger and guilt are displaced and projected onto another, often more vulnerable, person or group. The scapegoated person is then persecuted, providing the person doing the scapegoating not only with a conduit for his uncomfortable feelings, but also with pleasurable feelings of piety and self-righteous indignation. The creation of a villain necessarily implies that of a hero, even if both are purely fictional."
- Behold the Lamb of God: Scapegoating as an Ego Defense by Neel Burton @ Psychology Today
- "When problems occur, people do not like to blame themselves. They will thus actively seek scapegoats onto whom we can displace our aggression. These may be out-group individuals or even entire groups. Like bullies, we will often pick on powerless people who cannot easily resist.Scapegoating increases when people are frustrated and seeking an outlet for their anger.Once cast as a scapegoat it can be difficult to shake off the classification. " - Changing Minds
Psychological Projection
- "Psychological projection, also known as blame shifting, is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unpleasant impulses by denying their existence while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude.According to some research, the projection of one's negative qualities onto others is a common process in everyday life" - Wikipedia
- "When a person has uncomfortable thoughts or feelings, they may project these onto other people, assigning the thoughts or feelings that they need to repress to a convenient alternative target. Projection may also happen to obliterate attributes of other people with which we are uncomfortable. We assume that they are like us, and in doing so we allow ourselves to ignore those attributes they have with which we are uncomfortable.Neurotic projection is perceiving others as operating in ways one unconsciously finds objectionable in yourself.Complementary projection is assuming that others do, think and feel in the same way as you.Complimentary projection is assuming that others can do things as well as you." - Changing Minds
- 6 Examples of Psychological Projection We All Commit @ LonerWolf - 1. He/she hates me 2. He/she is so fat,ugly slutty 3.Other people make me feel uncomfortable 4.If I can do it other people can as well 5.That is bad/gross get it away from me! 6.He/she is having an affair
Manipulation
blame shifting
- My Husband Is a Blame-Shifter @ Growthtrac Marriage - “Notice what the blame game is doing to you:It causes you to doubt yourself.It erodes self-esteem.It promotes depression and anxiety.It prevents truth-telling.It stops change and accurate self-reflection.It severs your bond of trust.”
- Playing the Blame Game as a Manipulation Tactic @ Counselling Resource - “The tactic of blaming has sometimes been called projecting the blame. The term projection stems from psychodynamic psychology and refers to one of the automatic mental behaviors conceptualized by traditional theorists as ego defense mechanisms. The rationale behind that notion is that sometimes individuals unconsciously “project” onto others motivations, intentions, or actions that they actually harbor themselves but which they would feel far too unnerved or guilty about to acknowledge as their own.”
- What is Blame-Shifting? @ So Far Away - “Blame-shifting or “blaming the victim” is a form of context switching and crazymaking. When you are confronting them on something they did or attempting to set boundaries, they switch the whole focus back to you, and thus put you on the defensive. Now the focus is on you and they slither away.”
- How Narcissists and Flying Monkeys use blame shifting to hurt victims @ Flying Monkeys Denied - “...4.creating or manufacturing chaos....11.attacking the victim verbally claiming an illogical role reversal — “I don’t go out with my friends and hug or hang over them, why should you?” (ignoring the social habits of different personality types or things commonly different for gender)...”
- blame shifting @ Is This Abusive? - “So many of his actions have been designed to get a reaction from me so he could say, “Look at how you are behaving?” These are also designed to make sure he can say, “We both said things we didn’t mean.” This takes the attention off of his behavior.”
False accusation
- @ Out of the FOG- “What they look like:A man who gets sick accuses his wife of trying to poison him.A woman falsely accuses her husband of having an affair and repeats this to everyone in the community.A mother falsely tells friends and neighbors that her daughter has an eating disorder.A teenager files a false police report about one of his parents committing child abuse.”
- @ Wikipedia - “Accusations that are determined to be false based on corroborating evidence can be divided into three categories:An allegation that is completely false in that the events that were alleged did not occur;An allegation that describes events that did occur, but were perpetrated by an individual who is not accused, and in which the accused person is innocent.An allegation that is partially true and partially false, in that it mixes descriptions of events that actually happened with other events that did not occur.”
Character assassination
- What is Character Assassination? @ |NoBullying| - “To assassinate someone’s character means to kill or damage their character by any means possible. This can be something as simple as calling them names to something as complicated as fabricating stories about them to keep them from advancing or living a good life. Character assassination is far more dangerous than you might imagine.”
- @ US Legal - “It can also involve exaggeration or manipulation of facts to present an untrue picture of the targeted person, double speak, spreading of rumors, innuendo or deliberate misinformation on topics relating to the subject's morals, integrity, and reputation. “
- @ Changing Minds - “Discredit them, showing their arguments and decisions are weak and they are incapable in their work.Use defamation, damaging the good reputation and name of others.Demonize them, turning them into bad people that everyone hates, such that anything they do will be considered bad.Dehumanize them, treating them as a 'thing' and framing them as non-human with negligible values.”
- @ Wikipedia - “Character assassination is an attempt to tarnish a person's reputation. It may involve exaggeration, misleading half-truths, or manipulation of facts to present an untrue picture of the targeted person. It is a form of defamation and can be a form of ad hominem argument...In practice, character assassination may involve doublespeak, spreading of rumours, innuendo or deliberate misinformation on topics relating to the subject's morals, integrity, and reputation. It may involve spinning information that is technically true, but that is presented in a misleading manner or is presented without the necessary context. “
- @ Merriam Webster - “the act of saying false things about a person usually in order to make the public stop liking or trusting that person”
Social undermining
- Social undermining uploaded by Audiopedia
- @Wikipedia - “Social undermining is the expression of negative emotions directed towards a particular person or negative evaluations of the person as a way to prevent the person from achieving his or her goals. This behavior can often be attributed to certain feelings, such as dislike or anger. The negative evaluation of the person may involve criticizing his or her actions, efforts or characteristics.”
- These signs mean that you're being undermined at work @ Business Insider
- Social undermining @ Abuse Wiki - in the context of the workplace, it refers to intentional offenses aimed at destroying another's favorable reputation, their ability to accomplish their work, or their ability to build and maintain positive relationships.
Fall guy
- @ Wikipedia - “Fall guy is a colloquial phrase that refers to a person to whom blame is deliberately and falsely attributed in order to deflect blame from another party.
- fall guy American English definition and synonyms @ Macmillan Dictionary
- fall guy Definition in the Cambridge English Dictionary
- @ Urban Dictionary - “A person who is left with the blame for a crime, regardless of whether they were involved or not. “
- @ Wise Geek - “One commonly given etymology for fall guy is that it was used to refer to boxers who would literally fall down to throw a match. This would be more closely related to the third and fourth uses of the word. There is little to back this etymology up, however, although many people continue to refer to it.”
- Fall guy dictionary definition @ Your Dictionary
- @ Phrases.Co.uk - “A scapegoat; one who takes on the responsibilities or workload of others. Here 'fall' is used with the criminal slang meaning of 'arrest' or 'period in prison'. More recently, it has also come to mean a person who is easily duped or outmanoeuvred.”
Malicious falsehood
- @ Oxford Reference - “ false statement, made maliciously, that causes damage to another.”
- Malicious falsehood @ Out-Law
- @ Wikipedia - “Malicious falsehood is a false statement made maliciously that causes damage to the claimant.”
- @ Legal Dictionary - “ an actually spiteful communication, which is false, and which causes or is calculated to cause damage.”
- @ IP Wars - (1)an intent to injure without just cause; (2)knowledge of their falsity; or (3) reckless indifference to its truth or falsity.”
SACRIFICIAL LAMB
- @ Wikipedia - “A sacrificial lamb is a metaphorical reference to a person or animal sacrificed (killed or discounted in some way) for the common good. The term is derived from the traditions of Abrahamic religion where a lamb is a highly valued possession”
Tilting at windmills
- @ Wikipedia -”The phrase is sometimes used to describe confrontations where adversaries are incorrectly perceived, or courses of action that are based on misinterpreted or misapplied heroic, romantic, or idealistic justifications. It may also connote an importune, unfounded, and vain effort against adversaries real or imagined for a vain goal.”
- @ Everything Explained Today - “The phrase derives from an episode in the novel Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes, wherein protagonist Don Quixote fights windmills that he imagines are giants. “
- @ Word Detective - ““To tilt at windmills” is a venerable English idiom meaning to pursue an unrealistic, impractical, or impossible goal, or to battle imaginary enemies. “
- @ The Free Dictionary - “Fig. to fight battles with imaginary enemies; to fight against unimportant enemies or issues. “
- @ Phrases .co.uk - “Tilting is jousting. 'Tilting at windmills' derives from Cervantes' Don Quixote - first published in 1604, under the title The Ingenious Knight of La Mancha. The novel recounts the exploits of would-be knight 'Don Quixote' and his loyal servant Sancho tilting at windmillsPanza who propose to fight injustice through chivalry. It is considered one of the major literary masterpieces and remains a best seller in numerous translations. In the book, which also gives us the adjective quixotic (striving for visionary ideals), the eponymous hero imagines himself to be fighting giants when he attacks windmills.”
Whipping boy
- @Dictionary - “a person who is made to bear the blame for another's mistake; scapegoat.”
- Whipping boy - meaning and origin @ Phrases.co.uk
- @Wikipedia - “The purpose of a whipping boy was to receive the punishment that was assigned to the young prince for general misbehavior. “
CHAOS MANUFACTURE
- "Chaos Manufacture - Unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess." - Out of the FOG
- Kings and Queens of Chaos @ Psychology Today
- Chaos manufacture: How do you cope? thread started by December Blackbird @ Out of the FOG
Karpman Drama Triangle
- The Karpman Drama Triangle @ Coaching Supervision Academy
- Breaking out of the Drama Triangle @ The Recovery Expert - “The victim usually “hooks” the other person into becoming a rescuer and if the victim role fails, the individual may switch roles into becoming the persecutor as a more overt means of accomplishing the goal. People often switch roles, playing each part, all in one dramatic interaction. You will often find these relationship dynamics in families with addictions and abuse.”
- The Drama Triangle: The Three Roles of Victimhood - article by Dr. Lynne Namka - “Karpman drew these roles on an inverted triangle with the Persecutor (whose behavior ranges from the dominant one to the abuser in the family) and the Rescuer at the upper end of the triangle and the Victim at the bottom.”
- The Drama Triangle: Persecutor, Victim and and Rescuer @ Mental Health Today - Shows what abusers do and how to stop it in it’s tracks.
- Karpman’s Drama Triangle @ IE Focus - “Here’s an example designed to summarize and simplify the “games” that occur within this triangle, which can be set in motion by any of the three personality types. The victim seeks a rescuer that solves his/her problems because the victim feels incapable of doing it on their own, and the rescuer enters the triangle by making themselves responsible for the victim. The rescuer may end up becoming a victim and the victim may become a persecutor. What I want you to bear in mind is that the people who end up in this kind of triangle end up trapped in it and may subsequently repeatedly exchange roles. Such relationships only cause suffering. The victim feels resentment, the rescuer feels guilt, and the persecutor is aggressive and under pressure.”
- Introducing The Karpman Drama Triangle @ PM Notes
- The Drama Triangle: Victims, Rescuers and Persecutors @ Kellevision - “The Victim - "Help me", "Poor me", "Damsel in distress"....Rescuer - "Let me help you", "Hero", "Good guy/gal"...Persecutor.- "It's all your fault", "Villain", "Bad guy"
- The Drama Triangle: A trap to avoid in our interactions with others @ Executive Coaching - “If the triangular situation is healthy and serves all players’ interest, there is no reason to leave it. Likewise, some situations may cause some temporary discomfort in order to achieve better results. But if you feel uncomfortable versus a situation and there is no hope for improvement if things keep going on as they are, it is worth to break out of the triangle. Drama triangle situations are power games that can be very damageable for the people involved and can generate long-term resentments, bad performance, conflicts, absenteeism, etc.”
- Transcending The Drama Triangle @ Cleveland Consulting Group, Inc. - Victim: “Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed.Looks for a Rescuer that will perpetuate their negative feelings.If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding."Dejected" stance.” Rescuer: “Rescues when really doesn't want to.Feels guilty if doesn't rescue.Keeps victim dependent.Gives permission to fail.Expects to fail in rescue attempts.”Persecutor: “Sets strict limits unnecessarily.Blames, Criticizes, Keeps Victim oppressed.Is mobilized by anger.Rigid, authoritative stance."Critical" Parent.”
- Power of TED* | The Drama Triangle – Escape the Drama Triangle with TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) - “These drama roles are made-up strategies that the ego creates to manage its anxiety about what it doesn’t like or want. “
- "The Victim: The Victim's stance is "Poor me!" The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will save the day but also perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings. The Rescuer: The rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn't go to the rescue. Yet his/her rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When he/she focuses their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also very pivotal, because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs. The Persecutor: The Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior." - Wikipedia
Self Victimization
- 5 Signs You're Being Played by a 'Victim' @ Good Men Project - “1. Grandiose rewards for small acts...2. Hero worship...3. Progressive transfer of responsibilities..4. Use of guilt, bullying, and emotional blackmail to gain compliance...5. Character assassination...”
- Playing the Victim @ Self Growth - “1. We automatically gain self-worth...2. As victims, we can play on the others’ pity and guilt...3. As victims, we are not responsible for our reality...”
- 10 Signs of a Victim Mentality. | Defi(g)nition @ Ignite The Deaf “A victim is someone who believes, sincerely, that they are at the bottom end of some personal conspiracy. That the forces of the universe conspires against all their endeavors, ironically, it is this belief that results in the endless gathering of evidence, by the victim, to prove this. Thus, it is often difficult for the victim to see the truth through this clouded paradigm of self deceit and defeat. “
- Narcissists and Self-Victimization uploaded byUnderstanding Narcissists
- 14 Signs of a Victim Mentality You Need to Know Pronto @ Buzzle -It's a Learned Behavior...The Victim Believes He Has Been Wronged...The Victim Expects Sympathy...”
- The Victim Personality @ Health Psychology Consultancy - “Individuals who habitually indulge in self-victimisation (also known as playing the victim) do so for various reasons: to control or influence other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions; to justify their abuse of others; to seek attention; or, as a way of coping with situations. Although they can actually change circumstances to avoid being victimised, they won’t seize the opportunity because they want to play the role and appear as victims to others and themselves.”
- 3 Strategies On How To Deal With Toxic People Who Have A Victim Mentality by Dr. Isaiah Hankel - “They will lash out in anger, guilt you into obligation, and reverse bully you until you do what they want.”
- Self-Victimization @ Savory Dish
- Self Victimization - 2013 - The Future of Consciousness
- Self-Victimizing Again? @ Psychology Today - "Locus of control has been extensively researched and is a significant factor in pro-health behaviors, emotional stability, relational satisfaction and professional accomplishment. Having a high external locus of control may make some more prone to depression, alcoholism...." Note: Fat shames.
- Are You Victimizing Yourself? @ Huffington Post - "Self-imposed victimization begins after the circumstances and represent the response someone chooses going forward. Sure, grieving, anger, blame, depression and a host of other emotions understandably go with the turf when something tragic befalls you.Self-imposed victimization, begins after the fact, when you continue to blame or bemoan the circumstances and therefore give up doing what you can to improve. There are alternatives to adding to the victimization experience."
- "Self-Victimization - Casting oneself in the role of a victim." - Out of the FOG
- Avoid Stupid Arguments, Complaints, and Self-Victimization by Blaming Yourself More Often @ Life Hacker - "CDBaby founder Derek Sivers suggests that you'll be a lot happier if you just take responsibility. Consider the advantages of realizing that everything is your fault: 'This is way better than forgiving. When you forgive, you're still playing the victim, and they're still wrong, but you're charitably pardoning their horrible deeds. But to decide it's your fault feels amazing! Now you weren't wronged. They were just playing their part in the situation you created. They're just delivering the punch-line to the joke you set up. What power! Now you're like a new super-hero, just discovering your strength. Now you're the powerful person that made things happen, made a mistake, and can learn from it. Now you're in control and there's nothing to complain about.'"
- "Victim playing (also known as playing the victim or self-victimization) is the fabrication of victimhood for a variety of reasons such as to justify abuse of others, to manipulate others, a coping strategy or attention seeking. Where a person is known for regular victim playing, the person may be referred to as a professional victim." - Wikipedia
Hysteria
- Hysteria: Meaning, Causes and Symptoms @ Home Cure - “The patient loses control over his or her acts and emotions and it is usually accompanied by sudden seizures of unconsciousness with emotional outbursts.”
- "Hysteria, in its colloquial use, describes unmanageable emotional excesses. Generally, modern medical professionals have given up the use of "hysteria" as a diagnostic category, replacing it with more precisely defined categories such as somatization disorder. In 1980, the American Psychiatric Association officially changed the diagnosis of "hysterical neurosis, conversion type" , the most dangerous and effective type, to "conversion disorder"." - Wikipedia
- "An inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the real problem and towards the person who is having the reaction." - Out of the FOG
impulsive?
- Red Flag of a Narcissist #27: Reckless and/or Impulsive Behavior uploaded by Narcissist Support - "Narcissists follow their whims, and tend to not think about consequences. Their impulsiveness with finances, sex, and even their own personal safety."
- @Out of the FOG - "Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning."
- @ Out of the FOG - "Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal boundaries."
Let It go, stop nagging
- when you're just trying to chill and your girl has to kill your vibe
- "I don't even get mad anymore, I just peep shit and be like..."
- 16 Moving Quotes Teaching You How To Let Go - Let go of what is hurting you. Holding onto things creates anger.
- being stubborn and narcissistic - [Pic:] "This picture speaks a thousand words." *drawing of brains fighting and hearts trying to hold each other
Let the fight/argument go
- 5 Reasons to Let Things Go - mindbodygreen.com - 1. You can’t change the past.2. You are not always objective.3. Our bodies can’t handle the stress either.4. No one’s perfect.5. You are who you are because of your mistakes.
- Goodreads | Quotes About Letting Go (643 quotes)
- 5 Powerful Steps to Help You to Let Go and Feel Less Pain @ Positivity Blog - Step 1: Know the benefits of not letting go - You get to keep feeling like you are right...You can assume the victim role...Step 2: Accept what is, then let go....Step 3: Forgive....Step 4: Focus on what you CAN influence in your life...Step 5: Let go again (if necessary).
- 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain @ Tiny Buddha
- Learn How To LET THINGS GO!! {Inspirational Words} uploaded by MrCashAtHand
- How to let things go and move on… with mindfulness meditation! Uploaded by Kernel of Wisdom - Guided Mindfulness Meditations & Teachings
- Can't Let Things Go? Peter Doyle Psychologist @ M1 Psychology - “To “let go” does not mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else.To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it is the realisation I can’t control another.To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.”
- Learning to Let Go of Past Hurts: 5 Ways to Move On @ World of Psychology - “1. Make the decision to let it go... 2. Express your pain — and your responsibility...3. Stop being the victim and blaming others...4. Focus on the present — the here and now — and joy...5. Forgive them — and yourself…”
- 4 Ways to Stop Letting the Little Things Bother You @ Simply + Fiercely - Resist the urge to complain....Look at the little picture.... Choose compassion + Focus on humanity...Let go of expections....”
- How To Begin To Let Things Go @ We Only Do This Once - “Forgiveness and letting go can change your life and your health.It’s not like you are erasing the past, or even forgetting what has happened. It certainly doesn’t mean that other people will change their behavior — you can’t control that. All it means is that you are letting go of your anger, pain, or guilt, and moving on to a better place.
Stop Nagging
- How to Stop Nagging @ Web MD - “‘It goes from a reminder to a nag when the person who is being reminded gets offended," says Weiner-Davis. "How the behavior gets labeled depends on how the person hears it, not on how the person who says it feels.’”
- 9 Tips to Quit Nagging @ Gretchen Rubin - “1. Don’t insist that a task be done on your schedule….2. Remind your partner that it’s better to decline a task than to break a promise...3. Every once in a while, do your sweetheart’s task, for a treat…..4. Assign chores based on personal priorities….5. Settle for a partial victory...6. Re-frame...7. No carping from the sidelines...8. Think about how money might be able to buy some happiness….9. Most helpful: Do a task yourself….”
- 5 Truths I Learned about Being a Nagging Wife, Christian Engagement, Newlywed Couples@ Crosswalk
- Relationships: Stop nagging, start living @ Daily Mail Online - 1 When you’re in a hole, stop digging...Negotiate, then cooperate...Giver your partnr permission to say 'no'... Praise what you do like...MAke a sincere apology... Offer alternatives...Aim for more fun together...”
- Top 10 Ways to Stop Being a Nagging Wife-and Be a Sweetheart Instead @ To Love, Honor and Vacuum - 1. Keep quiet... 2.Walk Away...3. Too busy to pry...4.Rest...5.Pray...6. Beauty...7.Don't take the wheel...8. Speak life...9. Be empathetic...10. Perspective…”
- Stop Nagging Woman! - Relationship Expert Advice@ Stephan Speaks - “Before you start-up with all that noise, ask yourself this question “would I be receptive to this approach if it was me?” Any of you that say yes are full of crap! Nobody likes this negative approach; therefore everyone needs to learn to stop using it. The more you let love lead you, the more love you will find. Move your relationship in a better direction, take a positive approach and stop nagging!”
- How I stopped nagging my husband @ Telegraph - “In the end the marriage failed and Vandorpe was left on her own. 'It was a terrible shock,' she says. I vowed then and there that if I was fortunate enough to meet another man I'd never nag him in that way.'A study of more than 3,000 people by the health campaign group Everyman found that wives spend 7,920 minutes a year nagging their husbands about household chores, their drinking and their health. That's the equivalent of five and a half days. The most common complaint was not helping to tidy the home. We also nag men when they fail to meet our emotional needs. 'Why didn't you get me X for my birthday?'; 'Why are you not as interested in our children as I am?' and so on.”
- How to Stop Nagging @ Good housekeeping - “Once we realize we're being ignored, we tend to take real offense, as if our kids and spouse are scheming to stick us with the laundry forever. When they finally do tackle a load, we're way past thanking them — we just get nasty, muttering remarks like, "Took you long enough!" And that kind of negative reinforcement rarely inspires better behavior…..’Make eye contact, clearly state your request, and then thank him when it's done," says Allred. "Halfhearted dog trainers only have semi-good dogs.’”
- How to Stop Nagging @ Love Panky - #1 Understand your partner...#2 Introspect and learn...#3 Communicate with your partner...#4 Positive feedback and motivation...#5 Be positive...#6 Compromise in love”
- How to stop nagging your man @ She Knows - “Preferences can be overlooked...Explain how you feel, not how he’s wrong...Let him relax...Take care of yourself..”
- Why and How to Stop Nagging in 5 Easy Steps @ YouQueen - “Finally, keep saying the same things over and over again and he’ll likely tune you out anyway. It’s no different than when you have the news on and by the second or third time that they repeat the same story, your mind starts to wander. “
- 3 Ways Nagging Hurts Your Marriage (And How to Stop) @ Glue Stick Gumdrops) - “Nagging fosters negativity...Nagging is a demotivator...Nagging breeds resentment...
- How I Learned to Be Thankful for My Husband (and Stop Nagging) @ Babble - “I honestly feel like there’s a lot of talk for women about having it all and doing it all and urgings for us to take time for what matters to us, that sometimes, there is one crucial piece of the puzzle that gets forgotten–”
- Stop nagging! Six tips to break the habit and improve your relationship @ Chatelaine - “1. You’re not right; you’re just angry....2. Accentuate the positive....3. Don’t make a metaphor out of a crumb-y countertop....4. To the person being nagged: Just do it!...5. To the nagger: Let it go...6. Have some fun, Mr. and Mrs. Bickerson!...”
- Stop Nagging! @ Oprah -
- How My Obsession With Control Almost Ruined My Marriage @ YourTango - “Nagging is never just an innocent question, a friendly reminder or a calmly delivered statement. It comes with a accusatory tone and, as my husband will tell you, "that face." When slapped with a nag, his immediate response is to shut me out.He isn't alone in his lack of defense for forgetting to handle the task at hand. As the WSJ explains, "many times [the nagged] doesn't respond because he doesn't know the answer yet, or he knows the answer will disappoint her [the nagger]."
- How To Stop Nagging Marriage Tips From A Nagging Wife @ Redbook Mag - “So I have three mandates: Bite my tongue (from linguist Tannen), ask once and don't repeat (from economics writer Szuchman), and say what I really mean (from therapist McCollum). Two of the experts think I should shut up, and the third wants me to dig deep for my real issues. No one suggests that I continue to needle my husband indefinitely.”
Drop the argument, it's not worth it.
Before you speak...
- Taming our tongues
- "Before you say something stop and think how you'd feel if someone said it to you." - Spirit Science
- "Never speak from a place of hate, jealousy, anger, or insecurity.Evaluate your words before you let them leave your lips..." - Tony A Gaskins
- "The Fence" - author unknown - Read.Learn how words can affect people even after saying sorry
- 11 SECRETS TO ENDING FIGHTS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS - 1. Bring Up Problems ASAP. 2. Be the Real You. 3. Treat People the Way THEY want to be Treated. 4. Look into their Eyes and Recognise that you are One. 5. Listen. 6. Observe how the Person is Feeling rather than Always Asking. 7. Find out their Favorite Food/Treat. 8. Be Patient. 9. Breathe. 10. Admit When you are Wrong. 11. Gratitude
- If you’re going through a very bad heartbreak/breakup and you feel like getting everything out…don’t text the other person because you’ll regret it later. Trust me, I’ve been there. Also, don’t post any details on social media -I’m guilty of this! It’s extremely embarrassing and who’s going to care anyway…right? My advice is to just write letters to that person but never send them or show them. It’ll make you feel better, I promise. You’ll be okay" - Black and white like the 50s
bite your tongue
No-win scenarios
A no-win scenario is giving someone two choices to choose from that they will cause them to lose no matter what (Wikipedia). It is a way to get what you want but making it seem like the other person has a choice. A good example would be if your partner likes to stay at home but you want to go out so you say "you can either stay home and let me flirt with other people, or come with me." It is similar to a catch-22 but a person is stating to another that he or she must choose. Out of The FOG's definition states that it is manipulating a person into choosing between two options he or she doesn't want, or both are bad(Out of the FOG). Manipulators use this tactic because they want to win, they are projecting their anger onto you, and most importantly,they want control and power over you, and enjoy seeing you suffer(Relationshipedia). Leon F. Seltzer states that the best way to "win" if faced with a no-win scenario is to try to see the positive in the situations. Seeing the positive decreases the other person's power over you that they are trying to receive.
Resources:
Resources:
- "No-win Situation." Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No-win_situation>.
- Seltzer, Leon F., Ph.D. "Two Ways to "Win" in a No-Win Situation."Psychology Today. Psychology Today, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201301/two-ways-win-in-no-win-situation>.
- Bonchay, Bree, LCSW. "The Narc-Sadistic No Win Situation Traps."RelationshiPedia. N.p., 26 June 2015. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://relationshipedia.me/2015/06/26/the-narc-sadistic-no-win-situation-traps-2/>.
- "No-Win Situations and Lose-Lose Scenarios." Out of the FOG. Out of the FOG, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/no-win-situations-and-lose-lose-scenarios>.
Exaggerating things
Exaggerating things/hyperpole
Hyperbole is the use of exaggeration that is usually a figure of speech. Wikipedia uses "it weight a ton" and example of using hyperbole. In fighting, however, it can be very frustrating to communicate with someone who says things like "you always do this" or says things like "You screw every girl/guy you see." Is that really possible? Not really.The Emotion Machine states that overgeneralizing, catastrophizing, and our dear friend jumping to conclusions are all forms of exaggeration. When you exaggerate,you are in a way, lying. You are "stretching the truth" even though it seems like it always happens, it doesn't (Vocabulary). Even though it seems like your partner flirts with every girl, he or she isn't because there is no possible way he or she could do so, and most likely is not. 2 Know Myself believes that people exaggerate things to show others that they are important. Usually people have low-self esteem and need to show people that he or she is smart,or is talented. They want to feel better about themselves so they stretch the truth. a person will also exaggerate if they want people to agree with them.
How to help
Wikipedia states that exaggeration can be fought against using decatastrophizing
Resources:
Hyperbole is the use of exaggeration that is usually a figure of speech. Wikipedia uses "it weight a ton" and example of using hyperbole. In fighting, however, it can be very frustrating to communicate with someone who says things like "you always do this" or says things like "You screw every girl/guy you see." Is that really possible? Not really.The Emotion Machine states that overgeneralizing, catastrophizing, and our dear friend jumping to conclusions are all forms of exaggeration. When you exaggerate,you are in a way, lying. You are "stretching the truth" even though it seems like it always happens, it doesn't (Vocabulary). Even though it seems like your partner flirts with every girl, he or she isn't because there is no possible way he or she could do so, and most likely is not. 2 Know Myself believes that people exaggerate things to show others that they are important. Usually people have low-self esteem and need to show people that he or she is smart,or is talented. They want to feel better about themselves so they stretch the truth. a person will also exaggerate if they want people to agree with them.
How to help
Wikipedia states that exaggeration can be fought against using decatastrophizing
Resources:
- "Exaggerate - Dictionary Definition." Vocabulary.com. Vocabulary.com, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016.
- "Hyperbole." Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperbole>.
- "The Emotion Machine." The Emotion Machine. The Emotion Machine, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://www.theemotionmachine.com/3-types-of-exaggerations-that-create-unnecessary-drama>.
- Radwan, M. Farouk, MSc. "Why Do People Exaggerate Stories."2KnowMyself. 2KnowMyself, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://www.2knowmyself.com/why_do_people_exaggerate_stories>.
- "Exaggeration." Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exaggeration>.
Jumping to conclusions
Jumping to conclusions
According to Mark Dombeck and Jolyn Well-Moran, jumping to conclusions includes labeling both yourself and other people. Mind reading is also a form of jumping to conclusions because a person thinks that he or she knows what another person is thinking, jumping to conclusions. About Health states that this is common with people who have panic disorders because they tend to think the worst about things before they know the true situation. People who jump to conclusions do not have all the information and assume the worst without knowing what is actually going on (Wikipedia).The website Logical Fallacious states that if anyone uses this on you, they are trying to discourage you from critical thinking and try to avoid being sucked into their manipulation. Exploratorium has a great example of showing us how we all jump to conclusions,it really shows you how we shouldn't think something "is" a "fact" because we may be and usually are wrong. Mars Gone Wild discussing that we should all think about looking at the other person's point of view and the opposite point of view. Use only creditable sources, Mars Gone Wild compares this to writing an essay in High School. We couldn't use Wikipedia,or sources that were not creditable.Instead of thinking you have the answer,communicate, ask the person what the real situation is , believe them, tell the other person how you feel.
Some ways to help:
Roseanna Leaton suggests hypnosis to learn to relax when faced with an event where you feel you are jumping to conclusions. Meditation is a great way to take your mind off the thoughts and stay in the moment. Maggie Reyes from Project Happily Ever After suggests to stay in the present moment, which is also talked about frequently in DBT. She also recommend trying to investigate why you are jumping to conclusions, instead of freakng out right away, try to find all the facts, and hard evidence before assuming things. Find evidence that contradicts your thoughts and feelings.
Resources
According to Mark Dombeck and Jolyn Well-Moran, jumping to conclusions includes labeling both yourself and other people. Mind reading is also a form of jumping to conclusions because a person thinks that he or she knows what another person is thinking, jumping to conclusions. About Health states that this is common with people who have panic disorders because they tend to think the worst about things before they know the true situation. People who jump to conclusions do not have all the information and assume the worst without knowing what is actually going on (Wikipedia).The website Logical Fallacious states that if anyone uses this on you, they are trying to discourage you from critical thinking and try to avoid being sucked into their manipulation. Exploratorium has a great example of showing us how we all jump to conclusions,it really shows you how we shouldn't think something "is" a "fact" because we may be and usually are wrong. Mars Gone Wild discussing that we should all think about looking at the other person's point of view and the opposite point of view. Use only creditable sources, Mars Gone Wild compares this to writing an essay in High School. We couldn't use Wikipedia,or sources that were not creditable.Instead of thinking you have the answer,communicate, ask the person what the real situation is , believe them, tell the other person how you feel.
Some ways to help:
Roseanna Leaton suggests hypnosis to learn to relax when faced with an event where you feel you are jumping to conclusions. Meditation is a great way to take your mind off the thoughts and stay in the moment. Maggie Reyes from Project Happily Ever After suggests to stay in the present moment, which is also talked about frequently in DBT. She also recommend trying to investigate why you are jumping to conclusions, instead of freakng out right away, try to find all the facts, and hard evidence before assuming things. Find evidence that contradicts your thoughts and feelings.
Resources
- Dombeck, Mark, Ph.D, and Jolyn Wells-Moran, Ph.D. "Common Types of Thought and Belief Mistakes: Jumping to Conclusions and Emotional Reasoning Biases - Psychological Self-Tools - Online Self-Help Book."Common Types of Thought and Belief Mistakes: Jumping to Conclusions and Emotional Reasoning Biases. CenterSite, L.L.C., n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://www.centersite.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=9748&cn=353>.
- Star, Katharina, Ph.D. "Don't Jump to Conclusions - Panic Disorder & Negative Thinking." Verywell. About.com, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://panicdisorder.about.com/od/livingwithpd/tp/Jumping-To-Conclusions.htm>.
- "Jumping to Conclusions." Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_to_conclusions>.
- "Have you ever been accused of "putting 2 and 2 together and making 5," meaning that the other person thinks you have jumped to the wrong conclusion?"
- Leaton, Roseanna. "Do You Want to Stop Jumping To Conclusions?" Do You Want to Stop Jumping To Conclusions? SelfGrowth.com., n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/do_you_want_to_stop_jumping_to_conclusions>.
- The Ladder of Inference - Problem-Solving Training from MindTools.com
- Alisa. "How to Stop Jumping to Conclusions." How to Stop Jumping to Conclusions. N.p., 29 Nov. 2012. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2012/11/how-to-stop-jumping-to-conclusions/>.
- "Brain Explorer: Jumping to Conclusions." Brain Explorer: Jumping to Conclusions. The Exploratorium, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://www.exploratorium.edu/brain_explorer/jumping.html>.
- Bennett, Bo, Ph.D. "Jumping to Conclusions."Https://www.logicallyfallacious.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <https://www.logicallyfallacious.com/tools/lp/Bo/LogicalFallacies/114/Jumping_to_Conclusions>.
- Estes, Matt. "Three Ways We Can All Stop Jumping to Conclusions." Mars Gone Mad. N.p., 07 Oct. 2015. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://www.marsgonemad.com/2015/10/07/three-ways-we-can-all-stop-jumping-to-conclusions/>.
Raging
Verbal belittling, destroying the another's personal property, physical abuse (even if it is as small as a slap) is considered forms of raging, according to Out of the FOG. Sam Vaknin states that narcissistic rage is a tad different;narcissistic rage happens because you have criticized them and their ego in some way. Rage comes after narcissistic injury (you've hurt their perfect image) and it can be either yelling and screaming,or the famous passive -aggressiveness. It can happen after something small such as not agreeing with them, or saying someone else's dish at the cookout was the "best one there". The website The Roadshow for Therapists states that rage, especially for narcissists, stem from any threat to their ego, self-worth and falsely believed high importance. " Their raging is their way of screaming for attention because it is all about them, their wants, needs and desires" is a great statement from Christina Louis de Canonville because it is so true (The Roadshow for Therapists). Another great statement from Christina Louis de Canonville is "Their rage frightens people, seeing the fear on others face makes the narcissist feel that they have won, so they feel even more powerful and in control of the situation, and this also satisfies their sadistic nature." After Narcissistic Abuse shows that rage can and will happen because the narcissistic needs to always be in control and win at everything, at whatever cost and afterwards do not care about how they treated the other person.
What to do:
Do not fall for it. If someone uses physical violence, call the police. Stay calm during the rageful exchange as to not escalate the situation, however, confront them about it the next day and make sure he or she knows that you will not tolerate it. Mark Goulston writes that we should simply say ‘Please speak to me or act in a respectful manner,’ and if that doesn’t stop you, I will walk away and go to some other part of the house, office, or company. Following that conversation, if it happens again, I will simply walk away saying, ‘I have other things to do.’ This is not an ultimatum, but just a heads up of what I will do if those exchanges happen again.”
What to do:
Do not fall for it. If someone uses physical violence, call the police. Stay calm during the rageful exchange as to not escalate the situation, however, confront them about it the next day and make sure he or she knows that you will not tolerate it. Mark Goulston writes that we should simply say ‘Please speak to me or act in a respectful manner,’ and if that doesn’t stop you, I will walk away and go to some other part of the house, office, or company. Following that conversation, if it happens again, I will simply walk away saying, ‘I have other things to do.’ This is not an ultimatum, but just a heads up of what I will do if those exchanges happen again.”
- The Narcissistic Rage Cycle @ After Narcissistic Abuse - "A tell-tale sign that rage is serving the purpose of power and control is that the primary aggressor is unwilling to discuss the outburst later in any meaningful or honest way. Apologies don’t count. Fairly soon, the raging person’s expectations are not met and the tension phase starts. Tension further distorts perception, and routine events or small frustrations are seen as large offenses by the raging person and an outburst results"
- Rage—Coming Soon From a Narcissist Near You by Mark Goulston M.D., F.A.P.A. @ Psychology Today - "There is a saying that when you’re a hammer the world looks like a nail. When you’re a narcissist, the world looks like it should approve, adore, agree and obey you. Anything less than that feels like an assault and because of that a narcissist feels justified in raging back at it."
- "Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression." Out of the FOG. Out of the FOG, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/raging-violence-and-impulsive-aggression>.
- "Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury: The Intermittent Explosive Narcissist." Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury: The Intermittent Explosive Narcissist. Narcissus Publications, n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://samvak.tripod.com/journal86.html>.
- De Canonville, Christina Louis. "Narcissistic Rage: What Causes Narcissists To Rage?" The Roadshow for Therapists. N.p., n.d. Web. 30 May 2016. <http://narcissisticbehavior.net/what-causes-narcissistic-rage/>.
Always being argumentative /petty
- 18 Ways to Handle the Argumentative Person by Kevin Hogan - "The argumentative communicator, whether a man or a woman, should be aware that their communication efforts may immediately be perceived as a "fight" (the worst of the four above labels) regardless of the intent of the communicator."
- Quiz: Are You Argumentative?
- Ten Minute Relationship Therapy: how to disarm an argumentative partner @ Telegraph - "...Write down the worst imaginable criticisms you might hear from your spouse, family, friends or colleagues. You can make the criticisms as irrational as you want. Be sure to include criticisms that would upset you. Now, try to find some truth in each criticism...."
- PsychTests Study Reveals Why Certain People Tend to Pick Fights @ EurWeb - "Argumentative people feel more than just anger or frustration. They experience a lot of complicated, variable emotions, and don’t know how to analyze and regulate them. They are less comfortable with emotions in general, and most importantly, they are less self-aware. "
- The Dark Side of Personality – The Argumentative Trait @ PSU
- The Argumentative Personality BY HEALTHPSYCHOLOGYCONSULTANCY "You know you are the argumentative type when: Not a day goes by without you having an argument with someone.Feeling you have control and power over everyone and everything all the time is critical to you.Other people, not you, are always to blame for starting an argument.The opinions and feelings of others don’t matter to you.You feel good about yourself when initiating and engaging in arguments, which is why you can’t do without them.The worst thing in the world is feeling you are wrong.Relationships filled with conflict are normal for you."
- How to Annoy Argumentative People @ Wikihow - Avoid arguments and stay calm are some of the tricks.
defensive
- Stop the Defensive Behaviors and Start Communicating by Jennine EstesBy Jennine E. Estes, M.A. - " Keep track of how often you get defensive, use a notebook so an accurate record is kept. What did you say? How was your tone of voice? What was your body language saying? Keeping track helps you become more aware of your own behaviors. Awareness is Key in creating change in life.• Next time you begin feeling attacked, don’t surrender, withdraw, or attack back. Instead of becoming defensive try to understand where your partner is coming from. Ask meaningful questions about how they feel, and express how you feel.• Start Individual or couples counseling. You can gain insight and a larger understanding of where this and other negative behaviors come from, why they happen, and how to decrease them.• Experiment with trying something different. Next time you notice yourself becoming defensive, try doing something different. Notice how your partner reacts. Does he/she react differently? Where they less or more reactive? Look for the smallest change, because changes start small. Remember the mobile, and remember that each change will bring about more changes.• Of course, no one can be completely rid of their own defensive behaviors; however, we can always decrease our reactivity to create a safe and caring environment for our partner. The safer (emotionally) it is for your partner, the safer your partner will make it for you. They will follow by example."
- "Someone on the defensive is concerned with justifying their actions or words. They have a defensive attitude as they try to protect themselves." - Vocaubulary
- Defensiveness Is Killing Your Relationships – How To Recognize It and What To Do About It @ Leading with Trust - Re-frame the behavior. Reduce the danger. Develop self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Replace negative feedback with questions or offers to help. Move from dogmatism to openness.Treat people as equals
- 12 Truths About Defensive Behavior by Linda Carroll - "1. There are several ways to define the term defensive.2. All relationships experience hiccups now and again.3. When issues come up, someone needs to protest.4. Conflict allows for reconnection (and more).5. Not speaking up is dangerous.6. Our brains are wired for connection.7. Withdrawal is not actually a great way to protect ourselves.8. Books about communication don't do a great job at teaching us to receive criticism.9, Your response to criticism depends on several factors.10. Your childhood history has a lot to do with how you respond to criticism.11. Resentment doesn't do us any good.12. Our love connections are all spiritual practices.
- What Defensive Behavior Says About You by Jerry Kennard @ Health Central - "Coping with reality and finding ways to maintain our own identity is no easy thing. We can all benefit from feedback, but none of us are really immune to criticism, sarcasm, comments or behaviors that seem designed to probe our vulnerabilities before giving them a hefty tweak..... Our defenses come in many forms and the mechanisms one individual uses may simply say things about their own uncertainties and fears. "
Silent Treatment
- Red Flag of a Narcissist #45: The Silent Treatment uploaded by Thrive After Abuse - When a Narcissist does the silent treatment, it is there way of "teaching" the person who is experiencing this behavior that they need to not bring up any issues they have with the Narcissist or with the relationship--or else the silent treatment will occur. ...And the silent treatment generally leads to an extreme level of tension for the one who is experiencing it--so much so that they often apologize and will do just about anything in order for it to stop."
- Prof Lisa on How to Cope with the Silent Treatment - the Ho'oponopono prayer uploaded by Prof Lisa Sargese @ Youtube - "People who use the silent treatment on friends, children, or partners, are essentially saying that the recipient of the silent treatment is worthless, not worth their time or attention, and are in fact a non-person who should be ignored, erased, and denied. People with narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder can inflict the silent treatment for days, weeks, months, or longer, and might not even give an explanation or if they do give an explanation it's in the form of projection, gaslighting, or false accusations. They do this as a way to control and demoralize the recipient of the silent treatment, to punish and reject.It's particularly painful to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment. As victims we feel powerless and dejected while the silent treater gains satisfaction from their sense of control.We can't change them or their behavior but we can change ourselves. The Ho'oponopono prayer is an act of self blessing that can bring relief."
- Silent treatment: how to snap him out of it @ Telegraph - "Thinking about how you react is useful because it may show you how you are giving your partner attention when they withdraw from you. In turn you can use this to change your behaviour so you stop reinforcing their social rejection.In theory, dealing with this kind of behaviour is simple. You disengage and carry on your life as normal. In practice this can be very difficult as it will take time for you to unlearn your usual reactions, just as it will take time for your partner to stop the silent treatment as a means of communication/ control. Indeed they may resist your efforts to change and self-protect.Tell them the next time they freeze you out, this is how you will act: you’re going to acknowledge they’re upset but you will be leaving them alone until they’re able to talk."
- "Silent Treatment - A passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence." - Out of the FOG
Parataxical integration
- Parataxical Integration - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
- Parataxic Distortion & Parataxical Integration - EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING FAILS MANY...
- Parataxical Integration - Free definitions by Babylon
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- Belief vs. Anti-Belief - DX'd - Other - Schizophrenia Forums
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- Parataxical Integration - Expand Your Mind
Fauxpology aka insincere apology aka non-apology apology
- "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way" thread @ Mosiac Minds
- Sorry Not Sorry: How to Non-Apologize @Jezebel - "1. Quick tip: if "sorry" is immediately followed by the word "if", "you", or "you're", then you are most likely not apologizing.Sorry if I hurt your feelings.Sorry you're offended.Sorry you didn't get the joke.Sorry if you were disturbed.Sorry you're upset.Sorry your ass got in the way of my hand."
- I'm Sorry: Apologies... The Good, the Bad and the Heartfelt @ Psychology Today
- No Apology Is Better Than A Fake One @ Thought Catalog
- The Fake Apology – A Blog About Toxic and Non-Toxic People
- "A non-apology apology or nonpology is a statement that has the form of an apology but does not express the expected contrition. It is common in both politics and public relations. It most commonly entails the speaker saying that he or she is sorry not for a behavior, statement or misdeed, but rather is sorry only because a person who has been aggrieved is requesting the apology, expressing a grievance, or is threatening some form of retribution or retaliation.An example of a non-apology apology would be saying "I'm sorry that you feel that way" to someone who has been offended by a statement. This apology does not admit that there was anything wrong with the remarks made, and additionally, it may be taken as insinuating that the person taking offense was excessively thin-skinned or irrational in taking offense at the remarks in the first place. Another form of non-apology is one which does not apologize directly to the person who was injured or insulted, but instead offers a generic apology "to anyone who might have been offended." - Wikipedia
- InVisibleLight » Faux-pology versus Apology
- No fauxpology, you’re throwing a mantrum @The Times
- Idealistic Pragmatist: When an apology is not an apology
- Sorry not sorry: Non-apology, fauxpology, unpology, and other names for hollow apologies
- "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way": Fauxpology Not Accepted @ xoJane - "A fauxpology is the opposite of a sincere, thoughtful apology. It is not caring that you’ve upset someone, not acknowledging their feelings as valid and legitimate. It’s saving one’s own ass."
- The Fauxpology - 7 Ways NOT to Say You're Sorry @ Career Champion - #1 - the blanket apology .#2 - the blame game apology
#3 - the shoe swap apology. #4 - the hostile apology.#5 - the great wall of china apology.#6 - the non-apology apology.#7 - the victim apology
Ghosting
Stonewalling
Tactical ignoring
Cold Shoulder
Blaming
- "Having expectations about others's behaviors and criticizing others." - Excel At Life
Internal Control:
- "Believing that you should be in control of all situations and that outcomes are based on your effort alone." - Excel At Life
CATASTROPHIC THINKING
- "Believing that the worst possible scenario will occur." -Excel At Life
- How to Stop Expecting The Worst (Catastrophizing) -Teal Swan
ASSUMING/PREDICTING
oppositional conversational style
Negative evaluation of situation
- :Expecting negative outcomes and seeing only the negative aspects of a situation." - Excel At Life
Mind reading others
- Believing that you know what others are thinking or feelings based on their actions." - Excel At Lif
Mind-Reading Expectation:
- Believing that others should know what you are thinking or what you want." - Excel At Life
Generalizing:
- "Believing that what happened in one situation is likely to happen in another." - Excel At Life
Personalizing:
- "Believing that other's behavior and reaction are in response to you." - Excel At Life
Emotional reasoning:
- "Believing that an emotions is reality without evaluating the evidence." - - Excel At Life
Negative evaluation of situations
- Expecting negative outcomes and seeing only the negative aspects of a situation." - Excel At Life
Exaggeration
false-consensus effect
the spotlight effect
the illusion of transparency
paltering
- How To Deceive Others With Truthful Statements (It's Called 'Paltering,' And It's Risky) @ Forbes
- palter - Dictionary Definition : Vocabulary.com
- Palter | Define Palter at Dictionary.com
- Palter | Definition of Palter by Merriam-Webster
- There’s a Word for Using Truthful Facts to Deceive: Paltering
- Paltering legal definition of paltering
- Watch Out for "Paltering" Techniques to Spot a Lie Hidden With the Truth
- To Deceive Using Truthful Statements is Called Paltering | Workplace Psychology
- What You Need to Know About 'Paltering,' A New Kind Of Lying
- Have You Done Some Paltering? « Y98
- Paltering viewed as harshly as intentional lying | Weeklyvoice
Confronting
- Overcome that Fear of Confrontation
- What Does the Bible Say About Confronting Others?
- How to Confront Someone (with Pictures) - wikiHow
- Can We Talk? How to Confront Someone at Work
- PR Management :: Learn how you can successfully confront others
- Learn how to confront others with less stress and more confidence! | Juliet Erickson
- A Constructive Way to Confront an Asshole - Bob Sutton
- 7 Useful Ways to Confront Someone Giving You the Silent Treatment ...…
- The psychology of ignoring or Giving someone a Cold Shoulder!! | Dr.Hemant Mittal Motivational Coach | LinkedIn
- How to Confront Someone Who's Giving You the Silent Treatment
- 4 Ways to Deal With People Who Ignore You - wikiHow
- How to Stop Feeling Ignored by the One You Love
- What if people ignore you? | Meditation Guru
Conflict Resolution
- Conflict Resolution Skills: Building the Skills That Can Turn Conflicts into Opportunities
- Conflict Resolution | SkillsYouNeed
- Tactfully Confronting Conflict
- Conflict Resolution Skills - University of California, Irvine | Coursera
- Conflict Management Skills
- Conflict Resolution - Management Training From MindTools.com
- 13 Tools for Resolving Conflict in the Workplace, with Customers and in Life
- Constructive Confrontation Theoretical Framework
- Constructive Confrontation
- Introduction - The Art of Constructive Confrontation
- How To Resolve Conflict Like A Pro - Forbes
- Conflict Resolution in the Workplace | Conflict Resolution Techniques
.
Talk it over
Don't break up over disagreements & Fights
Disarming technique
- "I want a relationship with no gender roles:"
- Farting In Front Of Your Boyfriend Is The Key To A Great Relationship by Alexia LaFata @ Elite Daily
Men, do housework, and cook.
Woman, really, don't be afraid to cook, and clean. It's not submissive. It's taking care of your man or your girl.
- Extremely polite insults. Must try to use some of these! - "May the toilet roll only have one square left when you need it the most."
- Inside Amy Schumer - Abusive Couple
- [Pic:] "If your significant other is mad at you put a cape on them and say ' now you're super mad!'"
- [Pic:] "If you ever get in a fight with your significant other just breathe in the helium out of a balloon and have the argument and the first one to laugh loses..."
- If Girlfriends Were Honest When Arguing from Buzzfeed - Funny, but actually makes a good point. Be honest, open and communicate! If you are having a bad day recognize it and just tell your partner.